A week gone…

Hey guys. It’s been a while. I’ve been hit with a lot lately, and I’m just now slowly being able to process it. This could be a tear jerker, so if you don’t wanna cry, do not pass go. Back out and come back another day. 😉

For those of you that didn’t know, my dog, Reptar, was diagnosed with lymphoma. A week ago, I had to make the hardest decision of my life and put him down.😭 It was for the best because he was in so much pain.

It’s been a little over a week and I still don’t know how to live without him. I just have kind of just “being”. I had him for six years. For six years it was always just me and him. If I didn’t have anyone else, I had him. He helped me through some pretty dark and scary times…

But now, how do I get through the darkest of times without him?

Without words, he was able to comfort me better than anyone I know. When I lived alone, I felt safer cause he was there. And although most people thought he was a big softie (he was), he would always project me… From storms, spiders, to tickling from my boyfriend and stepson.🙄😂

The last three years, my boyfriend and stepson grew to love him. To see my stepson so broken and sad about losing his “play brother” really hit me with a new type of feels. I didn’t know how to handle it. I knew I would be okay, eventually, but my mind hadn’t even began to process how to help a six year old heal. To be honest, I think we are helping each other heal more than we realize. My boyfriend, although he’s the strongest of us all, misses his Reptar something great, too. That breaks my heart all over again because my past bf didn’t like him at all (Reptar gave too many kisses). To hear him talking about the things he misses about Reptar, really gets me in my feels. Everyone who was important really loved my boy. 😭❤️

I’ve been trying to allow myself some time to heal before I made a blog post about him. I didn’t want to cry like a baby, but I am. It’s times like these when I’m sitting at home alone not knowing what to do that I think about him the most. I’d be giving him his meds, feeding him, taking him potty, or just cuddling with him before work. I just feel..like a huge piece of me is missing.

It’s going to take awhile before I can get another dog, but I definitely plan on it. I told Reptar that one day after he left me that I’d love another dog because there are so many that needed my love. I asked him to show me the dog who needed me like he did.

I promised him that I’d be okay without him. And one day, I will be. I’m just not okay right now; and that is okay! Some days I can think about him and be just fine. Other days I think about him and I just curl up and bawl like a baby. It’s a process and I’m letting myself feel through each step.

I am working on writing a book about him. This book is going to be more different than anything I’ve ever written. It’s going to be about our lives together, but from his point of view. It will definitely be another tear jerker for sure !

I want anyone that is going through something with their fur baby to know this: do what you feel is right!!! Screw what others think!!! I worked closely with Reptar’s vet (who was amazing btw) and we had a plan. BUT people still wanted to talk about me “being selfish and letting him suffer”.. well I did the least selfish thing and let him go!!!! 😭❤️

Reptar, you gave it a good fight and I will forever be thankful God gave me you. He knew when I needed you the most. He also knew when I had to be the strongest I could ever be and send you home to him. Lymphoma might have taken your life, but it will never take you from my heart!! 😭❤️

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Lessons

Hello friends, it’s been awhile. How is it going? Good, I hope! And if not, it’ll get better…it has to, right? 😏

Life has been kicking my ass lately. Got up, it kicked me back down. Then it proceeded to kick me while I was still down. I had definitely reached my limit. I felt as if I couldn’t take any more hits; felt as if I couldn’t get up either.

God showed me I was stronger than I thought. He also showed me that despite my own independence, I do have people I can depend on. I just don’t like it. I don’t like being on other people’s time. I definitely don’t like not being in control.

The Lord knows this about me and I feel that’s why he put me in this situation I’m in. It’s not about me not doing for myself or others, it’s about how others should be doing something for me. For once. I’d run myself thin for others before they would even lift a finger for me. BUT God said not anymore. I learned that I should only do as much for others as they do for me. Give and take, not just take and take.

I don’t like feeling as if I’m being a burden to others. God is showing me that just because I need help from others doesn’t make me a burden. He’s teaching me to fully lay my worries down to him — I was so stressed and worried sick about things and it was attacking my body. I had prayed about it over and over, but what I didn’t do was let go and let God handle it. I’m still a work in progress but He’s not done with me yet.

I know it feels as if sometimes it’ll storm forever, but the sun will shine again!! Until then, learn to embrace the rain!!!

Be easy, stay blessed. Jessica ❤️

You can fall, you just gotta get back up!

Hey guys and gals. It’s been a minute. So let’s talk about what’s been going on. Life; life has been going on. When it rains, it pours definitely applies to my life right now!

I was doing so good with my diet and exercise. Then I hurt my back and I wasn’t eating as much and I sure wasn’t exercising. I even had to quit my job so I could allow my back to heal.

I was off work for a week before I found a new job. Once I started my new job, I found out Reptar has lymphoma. I was devastated and ate (when I did eat) most of my feelings. When I wasn’t at work, I was just laying in bed. (he’s doing chemo and is doing phenomenal by the way!!!!!)

Then I had some family issues that really took a lot of my energy. My whole body felt it.

Work is hard because I’m on my feet a lot. So naturally, my back hurts A LOT. I’ve been getting back on my diet, but because of the pain, I haven’t started working out yet. However, I have maintained my weight loss!!!! I stepped on the scale and was expecting to be back up to my start weight (because I’ve been eating like crap and not working out), so I’m pretty darn happy about it!!

This post is to encourage you to get back to your diet and exercise no matter how long you’ve been slacking! No matter how many times you fall, just get back up and keep on going!!!! Thanks for reading ❤️

Why do I share my story?

From the very beginning, I’ve wanted to be open and honest with you all about my weight loss journey. A lot of people don’t understand why. I figured I’d go ahead and explain it to you!

I’ve been dealing with being overweight my whole life; my weight has been a pretty big issue even before I realized how big. I would always be too embarrassed to talk to many people about it because everyone close to me was skinny. I just accepted my weight and wouldn’t do anything about it. As I started getting older, I started doing workout videos and following fitness people online. But one thing that always stood out to me and bothered me was : They were all skinny or really fit!!!! None of them looked like me!!! I felt like I could never move or look like they do. I always wished they had workout videos with “fat” people in them so I wouldn’t feel so out of place!!

I started trying to reach out to some of the fitness people online to get advice on what I should be doing to lose weight. And let’s be honest, I didn’t wanna talk to anyone close to me because I was embarrassed about not being more knowledgeable when it came to fitness and eating healthy. Most of the people I tried to talk to didn’t even respond (figures, huh?). The ones that did, weren’t very helpful. Most of their responses were along the lines of “you just gotta do it anyway” when I told them it was hard for me go workout because of pain. Like, I get it, but when someone is struggling and reaching out, you could find a better way to say it. Then the worst part about reaching out is most of them were with some sort of workout program and would just try to sign me up for supplements or shakes. Nah, I’m good on that! (I’ve got more of those types of messages since I’ve shared my story than anything and it’s slightly annoying. I appreciate what y’all do, but financially I just can’t afford to invest that much into shakes and supplements right now. I need to invest in becoming a more healthy eater first).

I have been keeping a weight loss journey journal and it helps SO much!!! Each day I log all of my food, drinks, and exercise. I also add my weight and if I was under my carb limit. I’ll take a picture of my journal and make a post explaining exactly how I do it!

After many searching, I finally found a lady I could talk to who 1. Was a bigger woman. 2. Didn’t try to sell me anything. 3. Had PCOS. She talked about her journey and even complimented me on mine. It was really nice!!! I decided that although I’m not a professional or anything, I want to be an open book so I can help others!! If something worked, or if it didn’t work for me, I’ll share it! If you ever need someone to talk to about weight loss, low carb dieting, or PCOS please reach out. I will gladly help you in any way I can! You can email me at grundyjessica@outlook.com with questions or if you just need a judgement free place to vent. I do get a ton of emails so try to have “blog follower” or “PCOS” (or anything else catchy) in the subject line so I’ll know it’s not spam!

As always, thanks for reading. 😙

Why I resigned from LimeLight

As most of you know, I was a beauty guide with LimeLight by Alcone for a little over a year. This week I resigned and I want to tell y’all why. I didn’t come to the decision lightly, but resigning was what’s best for me right now.

LimeLight has changed a lot since I joined; some of the changes were good, some where not. I have zero hard feelings from the company and if it’s meant for me to continue my passion for makeup, it’ll come back into my life.

I met many amazing people because of LimeLight and that will always be something I’m grateful for. LimeLight did teach me so much about direct sales, about what it really means to be a team, and most importantly more about myself.

I busted my ass day in and day out posting, building my network, and doing videos. I devoted a lot of time to my business. Yet, I was struggling to make sales. I’d go months without a single sale even if people said they were interested. Which is fine and I totally understand. BUT I started to lose hope and eventually broke from my routine; working my business less and less.

I had just devoting so much of my time to my business that I wasn’t focusing on my writing. Makeup is still a big passion of mine and always will be. I am just taking a break from direct sales and focusing EVERYTHING into getting my book published. People won’t understand why I can’t do both or will feel like I gave up because it wasn’t going how I wanted. Writing is my number one passion, my number one priority right now. I don’t care if anyone doesn’t understand it; it’s nobody’s life but mine. I’m sad to leave, but happy with my decision.

With that being said, I’m gonna work real hard with my editor and get this book published so keep an eye out for updating posts about that !!!

Thanks for reading 😘

It’ll never be ENOUGH..

Hey there. Hope life is being kind to you, and if not, take control and make it be kind.

So I’ve been on this lifestyle change. I’ve been working hard on my diet. It’s challenging and I often want to say “screw this” and just eat my emotions. BUT I don’t because having a baby and being healthy for my family is VERY important to me!

I’ve kind of hit the weight loss plateau..not losing anymore weight. I’ve been making myself get up around 6am to workout. It’s been going good so far! I don’t scold myself if I don’t do a workout. I just try harder next time or later that day. I’ve been working out three days a week– I know my body and that’s doing good considering the amount of pain I’m in. Gold star for me!

I nanny for a little boy and yesterday we went walking. I wanted to do a lil jog to finish out our walk. These guys driving by slowed down and laughed at me. I was ashamed, embarrassed, and I wanted to run faster past them.

Instead, I looked them dead in the face and ran past their car going the speed I’d been. I said to myself “guess they’ve never seen a fat person run before”.

AND that is why it’s so hard for bigger people to WANT to workout and lose weight. We already feel like shit and then the world doesn’t help. People are nasty. Society has everyone thinking people should look a certain way. News flash it doesn’t work like that !!!

Many people don’t know my story. Nobody knows the pain I have EVERY SINGLE DAY just because I’m awake. Nobody knows the battle I go through during a workout. Each person’s journey is different; no two paths will be the same. I’m here to tell you to keep going on your journey NO MATTER WHAT. Set goals. Reward yourself. Set more goals. Repeat over and over until YOU are happy where you’re at.

It won’t be easy. There will be days you want to give up. There will be days you do give up. It’s okay! Each day is a new day to try and try again! Don’t do it for anyone but YOU because if you do, no matter how hard you try, no matter what you do, it’ll never be enough for anyone else. If you need a friend, I’m here. Together, we can first conquer our fears, then our bodies, then the world!!!

Thanks for reading 💖

I want someone to blame

Often times when something happens, we want someone to blame. Good or bad, we want someone responsible for whatever happened.

With my PCOS diagnosis, I want someone to blame. I want to say if my symptoms were taken seriously as a child, maybe I wouldn’t be where I am as an adult. I want to say maybe if better testing was done when I was younger, maybe I could have done more things to prevent being in the place I am now.

BUT let’s be realistic here. I can’t blame anyone for what is happening to my body. I can’t even blame myself (fully). I can blame myself for not taking better care of my body and eating healthier, but I still could have had the same outcome.

God choose me to fight this battle. I might not understand it, but I trust Him. I also believe He knows my desire to have a child of my own and wouldn’t deny me. I hold on to that and keep fighting everyday.

It might not seem like I’m fighting a battle, but believe me I am. I am fighting a battle with my entire body; food, weight loss, pain, infertility, ect. I am fighting a mental battle- can’t let this break me! I learn more and more each day on PCOS and everything surrounding it and I can tell you, it’s freaking depressing.

I’m angry. I’m sad. I’m scared. And that is perfectly fine! Some days it’s easier and I act as if nothings wrong with my body. Some days it’s really hard and I cry a lot. I feel down and worried I’ll never be a “real” mom. All of this is going to happen over and over and it’s still okay because PCOS is something I will have for the rest of my life; all emotions included. It’s how I handle those emotions that matter.

Some of my posts might seem repetitive, but I will keep writing, keep sharing in the chance that I can help just one person! If you are out there and dealing with PCOS, you aren’t alone. If you are out there and something seems off with your body, listen to it and seek a doctor. Together we can get through this!!!!

Thanks for reading 💖

Fake supporters are real, too.

Hey guys so I’ve realized something here lately and I’ve wanted to talk about it. For me, but mostly for those fake supports I see.

If you didn’t know…I’m a woman of many dreams. My first love is writing (of course), then there’s photography, and lastly is makeup.

Yes, I have a job as a nanny. I’m working on publishing my books(yup, more than one). I’m a part-time photographer (only cause people won’t book lol), and I sell makeup for LimeLight by Alcone. Yeah, all of that on top of being a wonderful girlfriend and an amazing stepmom (fur mom too). You’d think I’d be losing my mind and not have time for anything, right?

Wrong! I know how to manage my dreams in a way that works for me! So since both my makeup and photography businesses are slow going, I’m diving face first into my writing. Seems simple enough, huh? Then when a photo shoot comes up I dive into that. Same thing with makekup. It works for me. I’m a woman with many dreams and desires. The strongest desire to be a stay at home mom (with my passions as my income) fuels my fire.

So naturally I’ll have people who don’t understand tell me I “have too many dreams” or that I’ll “never make them all come true”. I just smile and say watch me!

I have a good amount of friends who say they support me in my dreams. I was wondering just how real their support was so I started paying attention to my posts on social media. I also started paying attention to how they respond when I talk about it: was it a fake response? Did they really seem happy for me? Do they really care?

You know what I found? They aren’t anywhere and no, they really don’t care!!! Not on my social media posts about my writing, photography, or makeup. They aren’t boosting my posts on my author or photography page. They aren’t sharing my posts to their friends and family. They are telling me “oh I don’t have the money to buy a lipstick or book a photoshoot” but I see them online posting about going out drinking, eating, partying. Then they are in my inbox wanting : free books, free photography shoots, and free makeup. How can I live off my dreams if all of my “friends” want everything for free??

I also noticed some embellished responses because they don’t care about the process or all that I’ve done to get where I am. They just care about the end result where I’m published, established, and able to give them stuff for free.

Now this may sound like I’m bashing my friends. I’m definitely not. Those that really do support me will know I’m not talking about them. It’ll be those fake supporters who will be offended by this post.

You don’t have to prove your support to me; your actions do that for you. I know who supports me and who’s a fake. I write a lot about my supporters and what they mean to me. Figured I’d go ahead and write about those fake ones so they know I know who they are and can stop taking credit for being a supporter! 😉

Support me or not, it won’t stop me from busting my ass everyday to make these dreams a reality ❤️ thanks for reading!!

P.S. hope you give me a follow and come read again.

When Your Doctor is Proud

Hey guys, how is 2018 treating you all? I hope it’s being nice to you so far and if not, kick its ass!!! 2018 is going to be OUR YEAR =)

As most of you know, I’ve been dealing with PCOS (and a thyroid issue) since around April of last year. Well, that’s when I found out about it, at least. I probably had it for longer than I knew.

The doctor that I had, I loved! He seemed to be getting me on the right track. I knew it would be a long process, but I was prepared for it. I was ready to take the necessary steps to get healthy for me, my family, and our future. After seeing him for several months, he told me he was moving back to Kansas (we are in Missouri) to deliver babies. Ironic, eh? So he transferred me over to a new doctor, who I heard was pretty awesome.

I was excited and bummed because I would have to start over from the begging with her. When I finally had my appointment, I instantly loved her and was so happy she would be my new, current doctor.  She was upping my thyroid medication and wasn’t as dead set on me losing 160 pounds in order to have a baby. She suggested doing a low carb diet to help me lose weight.

At first, I didn’t think I could do the low carb thing; everything I loved was carb loaded! Bread, pasta, potatoes, etc basically my whole diet had to change. I hated it at first, but with the constant push I got from those around me who really loved me, I was able to do it! I was able to drop  28 pounds!!!  My doctor was said she was proud of me and to keep up the good work! That was just what I needed to hear!!

It’s not hard; the low carb diet. All I do is carb count. My boyfriend gave me a carb limit and I look at the carbs in everything I eat and subtract from that. I’ll write a whole post about how I do it soon! So make sure you check back if you are struggling with weight issues yourself.

It’s 11 days into 2018 and I am feeling more hopeful and stronger than ever. I am determined to make this my best year yet!!! I hope you all do the same because it’s a good time to be alive!!!! Thanks for reading!

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Who would know?

Isn’t it funny how life works out; how one door closes and another opens? How you are soooo stressed about this door closing you don’t even really get excited about this other door that’s opening. 

I can tell yall that’s exactly how it happened for me. I was so focused on that door closing that the negativity engorged my entire being. I was so stressed my happiness only lasted a few minutes at a time. I was worried about my future and the future of my little family. 

Door closed. New door opened. 

My. Life. Changed. This new path God sent me down has already taught me SO MUCH. I’m so much happier and have a much more positive outlook on life. It’s amazing how a negative work space and effect your well being. 

I’m a Nanny for a 9 month old bundle of joy. A Nanny? Yup, a bomb ass Nanny!!! This family is nothing short of a blessing on my life; a breath of fresh air. I spend a lot of time with the mom (who works from home) and in the short few weeks I’ve known her, she’s impacted my life in the best way. She’s not all business, but she’s taking the time to get to know me as a person, aside from just her Nanny.  And that healed all the negativity that was residing around my heart from my last job.

I’ve wanted to be a mommy for as long as I could remember. I never knew taking care of a baby would make me want one MORE; I actually didn’t know there was a “more”.  I feel like so many good things are about to come my way and I couldn’t be happier. 

 When things get tough, it’s okay to feel down, bad, depressed or whatever. Just as long as you know that “this too, shall pass”. I’ve been in a rut for a long time (when I say a long time, I mean like 7 years). I’ve been busting my ass to get out of this rut. I would always feel like I’d never get out of it, but look at God! It’s happening and I want y’all to know that if you just hold on a little while longer, it’ll change!!! If you ever need to chat, drop a comment and we can make it happen!! As always, thanks for reading.❤️