When Your Doctor is Proud

Hey guys, how is 2018 treating you all? I hope it’s being nice to you so far and if not, kick its ass!!! 2018 is going to be OUR YEAR =)

As most of you know, I’ve been dealing with PCOS (and a thyroid issue) since around April of last year. Well, that’s when I found out about it, at least. I probably had it for longer than I knew.

The doctor that I had, I loved! He seemed to be getting me on the right track. I knew it would be a long process, but I was prepared for it. I was ready to take the necessary steps to get healthy for me, my family, and our future. After seeing him for several months, he told me he was moving back to Kansas (we are in Missouri) to deliver babies. Ironic, eh? So he transferred me over to a new doctor, who I heard was pretty awesome.

I was excited and bummed because I would have to start over from the begging with her. When I finally had my appointment, I instantly loved her and was so happy she would be my new, current doctor.  She was upping my thyroid medication and wasn’t as dead set on me losing 160 pounds in order to have a baby. She suggested doing a low carb diet to help me lose weight.

At first, I didn’t think I could do the low carb thing; everything I loved was carb loaded! Bread, pasta, potatoes, etc basically my whole diet had to change. I hated it at first, but with the constant push I got from those around me who really loved me, I was able to do it! I was able to drop  28 pounds!!!  My doctor was said she was proud of me and to keep up the good work! That was just what I needed to hear!!

It’s not hard; the low carb diet. All I do is carb count. My boyfriend gave me a carb limit and I look at the carbs in everything I eat and subtract from that. I’ll write a whole post about how I do it soon! So make sure you check back if you are struggling with weight issues yourself.

It’s 11 days into 2018 and I am feeling more hopeful and stronger than ever. I am determined to make this my best year yet!!! I hope you all do the same because it’s a good time to be alive!!!! Thanks for reading!

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This entry was posted on January 11, 2018. 4 Comments

Who would know?

Isn’t it funny how life works out; how one door closes and another opens? How you are soooo stressed about this door closing you don’t even really get excited about this other door that’s opening. 

I can tell yall that’s exactly how it happened for me. I was so focused on that door closing that the negativity engorged my entire being. I was so stressed my happiness only lasted a few minutes at a time. I was worried about my future and the future of my little family. 

Door closed. New door opened. 

My. Life. Changed. This new path God sent me down has already taught me SO MUCH. I’m so much happier and have a much more positive outlook on life. It’s amazing how a negative work space and effect your well being. 

I’m a Nanny for a 9 month old bundle of joy. A Nanny? Yup, a bomb ass Nanny!!! This family is nothing short of a blessing on my life; a breath of fresh air. I spend a lot of time with the mom (who works from home) and in the short few weeks I’ve known her, she’s impacted my life in the best way. She’s not all business, but she’s taking the time to get to know me as a person, aside from just her Nanny.  And that healed all the negativity that was residing around my heart from my last job.

I’ve wanted to be a mommy for as long as I could remember. I never knew taking care of a baby would make me want one MORE; I actually didn’t know there was a “more”.  I feel like so many good things are about to come my way and I couldn’t be happier. 

 When things get tough, it’s okay to feel down, bad, depressed or whatever. Just as long as you know that “this too, shall pass”. I’ve been in a rut for a long time (when I say a long time, I mean like 7 years). I’ve been busting my ass to get out of this rut. I would always feel like I’d never get out of it, but look at God! It’s happening and I want y’all to know that if you just hold on a little while longer, it’ll change!!! If you ever need to chat, drop a comment and we can make it happen!! As always, thanks for reading.❤️

Two faces and both are ugly

I have a problem with people playing both sides of the field. I honestly don’t care if you like me or not; I’ll still sleep fine either way. BUT what I DO care about is you bad mouthing me behind my back then smiling in my face. 

Don’t get me wrong, I know people will talk regardless, and that’s okay. But how you smile in my face, try to be EXTRA nice to me, offer to buy me fries, AFTER you bad mouthed me..nah I’m coo on that !!! 

If you have a problem with me, come talk to me because we are all adults here. I will respect you a thousand times more if you do that, than the two faced mess you think will be kept a big secret; what’s done in the dark will ALWAYS come to the light. 

And don’t you dare get your feelings hurt when I ask you about it because if I have a problem with something YOU’VE done, I’ll come and talk with YOU.  

Moral of this post?? Don’t be ugly and talk about people behind their backs AND smile in their face. Talk. To. Them. 

Closing a door..

It’s been awhile since I’ve written and not because I didn’t want to. I’ve had topic after topic I’ve wanted to write about, but have been so physically and mentally exhausted, I couldn’t. 

So here it is bright and early on a Sunday morning, and I’m awake because kids don’t understand how to sleep in (kind of crying, kind of laughing). I’ve tried going back to sleep, but once I’m up, I’m up. 

So why not write about what’s got me so exhausted. Well my job…they have decided to shut down my location. I will be officially jobless in January. Yes, I know that’s plenty of time to find a job, but I don’t want just any job. I’m also DONE with retail. DONE. So it’s gonna be a little harder for me to find a job because I don’t know exactly which direction I want to go.  I’d love to do my writing, makeup, and photography full time, but they aren’t bringing in any money right now. I’ve been busting my ass working, so I want a job that’s easier on my body. I was also thinking about going back to school. There’s so many options out there, that I’m totally and completely overwhelmed.

During this time, I’ve learned that you can’t talk to just anyone about your struggles because you aren’t important to them. It’s sad (important or not) that people can’t offer a few words of encouragement. Even a simple “I’m sorry” would suffice. 

Maybe important isn’t the right word, but that’s how it feels. I understand everyone struggles and goes through things, but it’s not okay to make someone feel like they aren’t important, like their struggles don’t matter. 

I’ve had so many strangers offer to pray for us (me and one other girl that’s really losing our jobs; everyone else only works with us part-time cause they have full time jobs). We’ve had regulars come in and tell us about jobs that they see or hear are hiring. It makes me feel really special that they would do that for us. 

I don’t like the ‘not knowing what’s next’ stage I’m in, but I know it’ll all workout in the end. I know God wont close one door without opening another. I am human, so I worry and stress when I know He already has it worked out for me. I’m working on not stressing or worrying because my God won’t ever leave me. 

Stick around and see where I end up next ! 😉 

All over again. 

Hey there. So I know you’ve been following my PCOS and thyroid issues, but check this. So when I got diagnosed with having PCOS after my ultrasound, my doctor didn’t mention cysts or anything. I honestly didn’t know cysts and PCOS went together. 

So fast forward three months when I was talking to my mom and a doctor from her job, and the doctor asked about cysts; I didn’t know I had any. My doctor (who I loved and would still love if he hadn’t moved out of state), neglected to share this information with me. 

When I read the size of my cysts out loud to my mom, I instantly teared up. This news took me back to how I felt the day I found out I had PCOS. I was once again, defeated; depressed..

Why are you depressed, Jessica? You already know you have PCOS, so what’s the big deal? Well, let me explain. Since my doc was moving out of state, he was transferring me to a knew doc. Which is coo, but Ive had to wait four months to see her (I see her in October). I know she will see my chart since they are at the same practice, but she doesn’t know me. I feel like I have to start over from the beginning. I feel like I’ve wasted four months when I could have been trying different meds, a new diet, or even figuring out what my next option with my cysts are. 

Will I have to have surgery? Can my ovaries be “saved”? Will I be able to have kids? 

Everyone keeps telling me it’s just not my time or it’ll happen. And I want to believe them so bad, but how? How can you fully believe these words when you are so scared? Scared for whatever is to come. Scared because of not knowing what’s to come.  

I have a great support system and so many people trying to keep my spirits high. I love them for that and they will never understand how much it means to me. I am however, doing the best that I can. Most days I try not to think about it at all and act like I’m just like any other woman who hasn’t gotten pregnant because she’s on birth control. Some days, when I see a lot of babies or the “we’re expecting” posts on FB (or to be honest, sometimes for no reason), I cannot shake the feeling of not being able to have a baby…

YET!!! 

I know it’s in God’s hands and He will bring me through whatever He has planned for my life. I also know I’m human and I sometimes let the negativity and doubt overcome my faith and strength. But it won’t last. It can’t. 

Don’t forget sweetheart, you aren’t alone. This isn’t a battle you have to fight alone. No, I’m not talking to myself. I’m talking to you reading this and relating. Friends or strangers, you can talk to me and we can ugly cry together. Until next time. Keep you’re head high because there is sunshine after the storm 😘❤️

Strong people cry too

I have always been proud of the strong, independent woman I have become. I have gotten through some things that I didn’t think I could. I have been through some things that most people couldn’t handle (and at the time, I didn’t think I could either). Some how I did, and it made me a stronger woman.

With being strong, people often forget that sometimes, I need help too. Sometimes I need a shoulder to cry on, a hand to pick me up when I’m down, or an ear so I can vent. Of course, I do have a few people like that I can turn to. But almost everyone else hits me with “you’re strong, you can handle it.”

One thing though that my strength cannot handle is my inability to get pregnant. No matter how hard I try to accept it, it just hurts so bad. Seeing all the pregnancy posts on social media, on TV, and in my everyday life (like at work), it’s hard to refrain from getting sad.  My doctor didn’t tell me that I could never get pregnant, but he did tell me that with my PCOS I needed to lose 150 pounds in order to conceive.

WAIT, WHAT? THAT’S A WHOLE PERSON!!! You mean to tell me that I have to lose a whole person in order to be able to carry a little person!? You see how this can be depressing?  And of course, here come the “just diet and exercise” comments. Which you all are partly right, but my thyroid is out of whack and preventing me from losing weight as quickly as I want. Once I start losing more weight, my doctor and I will discuss my options.

How are you depressed about not having a kid when you have an adorable, loving stepson? That is a very good question and I have an answer. Jalen has a dad and a mom who I never, ever want to replace!!! I will always just be his stepmom who stepped up; I will always just be his Jessica. And that is perfectly fine with me, I love being his Jessica. I am so blessed beyond blessed to be his Jessica.

Until I am able to have a baby of MY OWN, I will always have a hurt in my heart; have a sort of emptiness there. No matter how hard I love Jalen or any of my friend’s kids, it won’t heal the hurt in my heart for wanting my OWN kid. I’m never gonna stop loving and giving my love to those that need it. I just want to be able to have a baby that is a piece of me to love. Even if I can’t ever get pregnant, I want to adopt.

You might not agree with me, you might not understand and that is okay. This is my life and my pain that I deal with EVERY SINGLE DAY. Some days it’s easier than others, some days the tears don’t stop. I know that God is in control and that I have to be patient and wait in His time because He is an on time God. It’s hard not to want to question and wonder why me? I’m a good mom and full of love, why can’t I have a baby? I just keep praying to God to allow me to have ONE baby of my own (I want four).

I’m not writing this for sympathy. I’m writing this for the people who need to know they aren’t alone in this unbearable journey of trying to conceive. I’m writing this for myself because sharing my story is making it easier for me to handle. I am not perfect and I don’t always react the way I should, but just know it is because my heart is hurting and has nothing to do with you. For those of you that are new mommies, I am happy for you. For those of you that are trying, keep at it. And for those of you that cry every time the test comes back negative, I am right there with you, squeezing your hand because you are not alone!!!! Together, we will get through this. ❤

This entry was posted on August 4, 2017. 1 Comment

What to Write next?!

Try Me Not is finished on my end. I am just trying to find an editor that actually wants to edit. In the meantime, I have spent the rest of my time working on my second book, The Secret Teller. I am towards the end of the book!!! So that means I need your help picking my third book!!! Here are some ideas, just comment which one you like best and the one with the most votes will be the one I write next!!!

1. Broken Boundaries
This book is about a Native family who moves from the Rez to an all white town. This is Shayla’s senior year and she is pissed she has to leave all her friends. Her parents don’t get it either. How can they do this to her during her SENIOR year? She ends up finding a job that summer before school starts and ends up dating this cute white boy she works with. She ends up getting pregnant and keeps it a secret for as long as she can, but of course, it comes out. Her parents disown her and kick her out, she gets bullied at school for being the first one pregnant, and her boyfriend dumps her. What is she going to do, homeless with a baby on the way?

2. No title(Will take suggestions for the title)= This book is about two cousins who grew up together as best friends; Riley and Tyson. Riley’s mom left her and her dad when she was real little. It was always just her, her dad, and Tyson. Riley’s life was good; she had a great job, a best friend, and a nice guy she was talking to. Then her dad got sick and her life flipped upside down. Her dad made Tyson promise to look after her, and he did great. But what will he do when his cousin gets kidnapped? How will he find her when the police stop looking? Will he be able to keep his promise to his Uncle and save his cousin before it’s too late?

3. No title (will take suggestions for the title)= This book is about Haper, a beautiful, sweet and caring girl. She is always doing for others even for those who don’t do for her. She gets bullied a lot and always clings to her cousin who used to be so nice to her, but now has become rather mean. She is upset and alone when she is approached by an Owl who was talking to her. Wait, that couldn’t be right, animals don’t talk! The Owl told her she was special and had powers and that some very bad people were coming to find her.  She couldn’t believe what she was hearing. What powers? How was she special? What was she going to do? Would she accept her truth and find out who she really was or would she ignore it and continue living her lonely boring life?

4. No title (will take suggestions for the title)= This book is about a brother who’s sister vanishes. The police think she’s just a runaway teen, but her brother will stop at nothing to find her. After months of looking under every rock, he gets a letter with a clue as to what happened to his sister. In the letter, it talks about human trafficking and how if he doesn’t find her fast, she will be sold to someone in another country. He tries to go to the police, but they think he’s lost it. So it’s up to him to save his sister before she’s lost forever. How in the hell will he find her when he’s already looked everywhere? He didn’t think human trafficking was a real thing. What was he really up against?