After I got Answers…

I know yall have been waiting for me to update you with the test results like I said I would. Of course, I’m writing to keep my word. If you have just stumbled across my blog,  exit this post and read the entry before unless you are one of those people that reads the ending of books first. If you are, go ahead with your reading and I’ll keep quite while secretly judging you (I hate having endings spoiled 😀 )

If you remember from my last entry, I was struggling with a period that would never leave, pain that made everyday tasks nearly impossible, and going to the doctor for testing! On the fourth of April, I went to the doctor for a sonogram and a pelvic sonogram. I was nervous…no actually, that is an understatement. I was absolutely terrified. Thankfully, my boyfriend was there with me to calm my nerves. I seriously don’t know what I would have done had he not been there.  My stomach was all kinds of twisted and knotted up; I felt sick. But I had to go through with it, I had to get my answers.

We sat in the waiting room for maybe seven minutes (if that) before they called me back.  Once in the room, she set me up for a sonogram. My boyfriend asked me if I’d ever had one; I hadn’t. I instantly thought “what if this is my first and last sonogram?” I quickly looked at the wall because tears started to fill my eyes, but I couldn’t let them drop. After the sonogram, she did the pelvic sonogram making a joke to lighten the mood; it helped. Once she was finished, we left. The whole appointment took maybe 15 minutes if that! I was so happy to be done and going home.

I waited for six days before I got the call. Six days I kept my phone by me, heart stopping every time it rang. The nurse told me they were putting me on a new medication. She didn’t say what for, but when I asked she simply said: “It’s for your PCOS.” Then wrapped up the conversation and hung up. What is PCOS? It’s Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. Basically, my hormones are out of whack which can cause problems with my period and make it hard to get pregnant.

Soon as I hung up the phone with the nurse, the tears RUSHED out of my eyes like a dam that just broke. I messaged my boyfriend who was at work and told him. Then I messaged two of my best friends. I put my phone down next to me and I cried like a baby. Like that nasty, ugly cry you don’t want anyone to see. Reptar didn’t like it, he kept coming to cuddle with me and lick the tears off my face.

Some of you might ask: “Why is she crying so much? It’s just PCOS, it’s not like she’s dying.” And you are right, I’m not dying nor was my diagnosis life threatening.  But what yall don’t get is this: I was already scared I couldn’t have kids. Now having a real diagnosis that says that having kids could be hard, just hit my heart with so much force. I was a mess. I hardly left my bed that day. I didn’t answer my phone. SO many people called and texted; I responded when I could. I just cried and cried. What I didn’t mention in my previous entry was that I was also having issues with my thyroid. So with having a thyroid issue AND PCOS, I felt my chances of ever carrying a child of my own was over. If you read anything on PCOS, you have to lose weight in order to up your chances of being able to carry. I’ve struggled with being able to lose weight as long as I could remember. I was giving up on myself, on my life long dream.

My boyfriend. I can’t even form the words to tell yall how great he was for me this entire day. It will be something I hold onto FOREVER. He was at work all day and he called me several times to check on me. He messaged me all throughout the day and when I wasn’t talking to him, he messaged one of my best friends to see if I was talking to her. He didn’t want me shutting myself off from them; neither of them did. He came home and called a nurse hotline and had me talk to a nurse about it. I didn’t want too. I didn’t really want to talk to anyone. I was almost mad at him for making me talk to her. But, I’m really glad he did. It helped so much. While I talked with her, he sat right next to me and listened, holding my hand or rubbing my leg. When I got off the phone with her, I felt a hundred times better.

One thing I took away from the phone call was that not everyone’s PCOS is the same. Some women have trouble with getting pregnant, some women don’t. I had hope. My best friends and boyfriend kept telling me to have faith and not to get down and out. I didn’t listen. I mean I heard them, but I didn’t actually LISTEN. I had already started shutting down. After that phone call, it was like my ears opened up and I could hear clearly. I had three very important people who loved and cared about me willing to help me through this, no matter what. I never realized I would need them as much as I did.

Many people I wanted to support me and give me words of encouragement, didn’t. Several people were like “Oh it’s just PCOS, you’ll be alright.” or “It could be worse.” It hurt and made me pretty angry. Like how dare you tell me how to feel about what’s happening to ME. I understand it could be worse and I’m so thankful it wasn’t, but it was still something serious to me.  And the fact that so many people are posting about being pregnant or having babies all the time was like a slap in the face. like “haha your body sucks but mine can carry a baby.” I became very emotional and bitter.

With consistent reassurance from my boyfriend and two best friends, from the few people who I didn’t talk to all the time, and even several strangers, I was able to slowly pull myself together and do more around the house and running around. I wasn’t bleeding anymore (thank God) but I was still hurting and it still took a lot out of me to do things.

Fast-forward to April 26th. I had another doctors appointment. I went to this one alone. Aside from my blood pressure being slightly elevated, I walked away so damn happy and hopeful. I sat in my car and cried tears of joy as I thanked God for the news I had just received. Since my last visit, I had lost seven pounds…HOLD ON…Did I say SEVEN POUNDS?! Why yes, yes I sure did!! The best part? I haven’t even been working out, but I was working on watching what I eat and cutting back on pop. I was so happy I lost weight because that means maybe I can carry a child after all!

I still have a long journey ahead of me, but I am not alone or hopeless. I have a great support system and a God who loves me enough not to leave me. For those of you who reached out to check on me, who prayed for me, thank you. It really means so much to me. Thank you for also reading my story. My story isn’t over yet yall, it’s just starting to get good! Stick around and you just might get inspired 😉

This entry was posted on April 29, 2017. 6 Comments

Before I got Answers..

Let me share with yall what I’ve been going through with my health. Don’t expect one of those “wake up every day positive and push through it because if I can, you can” posts. You won’t get it. That may be how some people handle health issues, but not me. I’m gonna be honest with yall about how I struggled. I’m not gonna sugar coat anything; I’m honest and real. So if you only want the ‘sunshine and butterflies’ post, exit my blog now and come back in a couple months. This is your warning.

For those of you that had the courage to continue reading, whether it be because you’re being nosy, or you honestly care about my health, glad you’ve got the balls to stick around!!

This all started maybe the end of 2015 and beginning of 2016. I noticed my period was starting to be different than normal [sorry fellas if you need to exit or scroll down, your masculinity will not be judged. After all, your the only one who would know 😉 ]. I was bleeding literally months at a time, but I did nothing about it just kept on about my life. Fast forward to May of 2016 when I finally mustered up the courage to go to the doctor. My hopes were quickly crushed; she didn’t tell me ANYTHING that would help. No explanation on why this was happening or what needed to be done to make it stop. She just put me on a new form of birth control and told me my body “just had a splurge.” Uh, excuse me, what?!

I was slightly hopeless. I moved to Missouri and now it’s 2017. The bleeding issue continued. Some months, I’d bleed two/three months in a row, some months not at all. I just kinda dealt with it. In March, it got bad. I was hurting and the pain was becoming worse. The bleeding was so heavy it was like shark week between my legs. I had ZERO energy to do anything. Even walking hurt. I was in the process of quitting one job and starting another when I got sick with a cold that would NOT go away. So I didn’t start the new job but decided I needed to take care of myself first. I went to the doctor and while I was there, I asked her about my bleeding issue. She put me on another bc and told me to see a different doctor if the bleeding didn’t stop within a couple of weeks. It. Didn’t. Stop.

By now, I’m completely hopeless. The pain is unbearable. By the end of March, it was hard to do anything. I struggled with everyday tasks like walking up and down the stairs, getting in and out of the shower or car, and getting dressed. For those of you that know me, know this is a serious issue because not only am I always on the go, but because I have an almost five-year-old stepson; he doesn’t understand why I can’t go, go, go! After I’d drop everyone off at work and school, I’d take Reptar out, then I’d literally lay in bed until I had to pick everyone up. I couldn’t go to sleep, so I would just lay there watching Netflix or sometimes on my phone. I didn’t really talk to that many people either.

I was depressed. I wanted answers and I wanted them now. I was scared because I didn’t know what was going on with my body or why I was in so much pain. I was terrified something was wrong with me and it would prevent me from ever being able to carry a child of my own. I felt helpless. I cried a lot….A LOT. Like literally all the time. I only wore sweats and t-shirts; I felt so unattractive, so ugly. I felt worthless. I felt like nobody understood what I was dealing with or they didn’t care because everyone just kept telling me I’d get through it because I was so strong. But to be honest, strength was the last thing I felt.

I finally was able to schedule an appointment with a doctor but it was a week away. I just counted down the days until then. And I waited, getting more and more nervous as the day came closer. I wanted to call and cancel it, but I knew I couldn’t. I knew I had to go to the doctor; I needed too. I knew I needed answers. Stay tuned to see what I found out and how I dealt with the news!

 

This entry was posted on April 20, 2017. 6 Comments

Friend or…?

Its been a minute since I’ve wrote, so why not jump back in it with something that really pisses  me off!!! LOL Are you my friend? Are you my acquaintance? My enemy? My family? Or are you something all together different? 

We’ve all got those friends who no matter what y’all gonna always be friends. Like y’all go through some pretty tough shit, but always work it out. I’m not talking about those friends. .This post is about those friends who really don’t give a shit about you anymore. Maybe at one point in their lives, they did, but then life kept going on and they have more important things to do then care about you. You know they aren’t too busy for FB, Snapchat, or other friends, so you start putting it together: it’s not that they are too busy, it’s just they are too busy for YOU. 

That’s fine and dandy because not everyone is gonna always make time for you (hint, that’s how you can always tell your true friends from the fake ones). But what realllllllly grinds my gears are the fake ones pretending to care. Posting on your social media or in a message “omg girl I love you and miss you so much. We need to hangout soon”…Knowing good and darn well they have zero intentions on actually hanging out (and they probably don’t love or miss you considering you haven’t spoken to them in years). 

You know those people that don’t care about you until something is going on? Like you never hear from them about anything in your daily life. But that moment something big comes up (that you’ve been talking about for awhile, they just never pay any attention to you), they try acting all concerned and crap. Be the first one like “omg are you okay. What’s going on”. When they just want the gossip or drama, not actually caring what’s going on in your life. 

Im just tired of it and I’m gonna stop pretending like I don’t see it. So don’t get mad when I stop referring to you as my friend and treating you as such..You don’t deserve the title. Honestly, you are just waisting my time and my time is precious. 😘

P.S. If you get mad at me for it, it’s not because you are actually mad at me. It’s more of a pride thing because you got caught and someone called you out on it.

P.S.S. this entire post could be about fake family members too. #IJS

This entry was posted on March 29, 2017. 2 Comments

Lock away your tongue 

I’m sure you’ve heard of the saying “if you don’t have anything nice to say,don’t say anything at all”. 

I understand sometimes that’s hard to remember. Like when you are scared or angry, the emotion takes control and things will fly out of your mouth before you have time to really think about what you are going to say. 

I feel I can deal with that because I understand how it works. What I cannot deal with is someone deliberately saying hurtful things!!! I’m not saying you shouldn’t express your opinion; never stop expressing it! But you should never express your opinion in a way that it could hurt others. You should  always choose your words wisely especially if what you need to say isn’t the prettiest. 

I honestly don’t care If you don’t agree with my decisions for my life, but you will respect me enough to voice those options properly! Come at me with some sense and we might be able to have a decent conversation about it. Come at me twisted with hurtful things, the conversation will end faster than it started!!!! 

Moral of this post: don’t be a dick; think before you speak! 🙂

Let’s Bond

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It’s Wednesday so you all know what that means: Fun Things with Jalen!!!

Today we had so much fun! We started the day off with a big breakfast and a fresh bath. Then we started getting ready for trip today!  Where are we going? He has been begging us to take him to Chuck E Cheese forever, so that’s where we went! He played lots of games and got 92 tickets! He got to bring home four new little toys. We had a blast, honestly. He was so well behaved and seeing him so happy made me so happy!!

I am honestly so grateful for our Wednesday’s together. Him and his dad will always have an unbreakable bond (of course), but I want us to have a strong bond, too!! Things are so much different now than they were when I first met Jalen and I couldn’t be more pleased. I feel it growing every, single day. He is such a smart and loving boy; just what everyone needs!

Often times stepparents get a bad rap. People think negatively of stepparents because (in some cases) they don’t have the best interest of the child first. They are usually more worried about the child’s biological parent. However, that’s not the case for me. Jalen doesn’t see his mom every day, but there has bbeen several times I’ve been with him when he’s seen her. I will never talk poorly of Jalen’s mother to him. I will never deny him the chance to see her. I am not that type of stepmom. I want him to have a relationship with her, not just because she’s his mom, because it could really affect him when he gets older.

I grew up without my bio dad and it had a tremendous affect on my childhood and to be quite honest, my adult life, too. I often felt like something was wrong with me and that was why my bio dad didn’t love me. Of course, as I grew up, I realized that wasn’t the case at all. I know it had nothing to do with me, but I didn’t understand. To be quite honest with y’all, I still don’t understand and probably never will. It’s not like I don’t know who he is, I do. But I really feel like we just aren’t meant to be in each other’s lives. I actually know if he loves me, or ever did.

But I know for a fact that my stepdad does! From the day he came into my life, he showed me that. I know that I didn’t always see it (of course), but looking back it shines so brightly. He taught me so much through the years. But he taught me something that I never knew I would need. He taught me how to be a stepparent! Because of him, I knew what it was like living with a stepparent; on the opposite end. Now in a stepparent role, I realize how tough things could have been for my dad. I have experienced some things that are testing my strength. No matter how tough things get, it is all worth it because of Jalen.

That’s all for now.

Butterfly kisses.

Jessica

This entry was posted on February 2, 2017. 2 Comments

Dreams, don’t you have them?

Good morning!! Hope your Thursday morning has started off decent enough to get you through the work day! I know I needed my coffee this morning (I did not want to get up)!! 

I wanted to talk to you guys about dreams. We’ve all had them, right? Now let me clarify, I’m not talking about the dreams you have when you are sleeping. I’m talking about the dreams you have for your life.

I’m sure they’ve changed since you were five, right? Maybe not! Maybe you’ve had the same dream your whole life, have achieved and are living it! I know I’ve wanted to be a published author since I was eight (and I work every single day to achieve it). 

I don’t just have one dream; I have many! Nothing wrong with that, right? I don’t think so at all. Each and every one of my dreams I’m passionate about: writing, having a family, photography, makeup. 

I recently had someone tell me that having that many dreams was a bad thing. Wait, what? I was shocked. How could something that makes me so happy and bring me so much joy, be a bad thing? I let it go at the time, but it just kept coming back in my head, over and over. So I started to reallythink about it. 

My conclusion? Do whatever makes you happy! Forget what people think and do you, boo!! If it brings you joy, give it your ALL! Life can be nasty, depressing, and scary. Why not take away those ugly things and replace it with something that brings you joy?? Life is hard for everyone so if having a ton of dreams or passions that make your life happier, I say go for it! You may get busy (like everyone in the world does), but you make time for the things you love! Do I write everyday? Nope, but I’m always talking or thinking about it and that alone is enough to make me happy because I’m so passionate about my writing. 

Be passionate. Love hard. And screw other people’s negative outlook or comments on YOUR life. Don’t let anyone hold your pen and write your story because they aren’t happy with how theirs is being written!! 

I’ll leave you with that! Butterfly kisses. 

Jessica

Changes =)

Hey beautiful people! Just decided to pop in and share with you some things I’ve been working on. I was going to do a ‘Tea Time with Jess’ section for my blog, buttttt I decided on using that for something better!!!!

I’m using ‘Tea Time with Jess’ for my Facebook live makeup videos! I’m really working on expanding my network on all platforms! I want to be more than JUST Jessica. For those of you that follow me because of my writing, I want you to know me more than just as a writer. Same goes for those of you that follow my photography OR my makeup stuff!!! I want those of you who are far away (implying that I’m gonna be knowing worldwide) to feel like you actually, really know who I am as a person.

I love reading and there’s been many times that I’ve read a book and then watched an interview or followed the author on some form of social media, and they seemed like two different people. Now I’m not saying that the author should be the same in person and with their profession. I’m saying, I want you guys you guys to know me both professionally AND personally!

I am very passionate about the things I love; it’s only right to share that passion with others! I do most of my posting/networking via FB, but I am working on branching out more. What are your favorite sites to use? I have an Instagram, but I don’t get a lot of interaction so I don’t really use it (which is probably why I don’t have a lot of interaction, huh?). I have a Twitter and Snapchat too. I am working on building my YouTube channel for my makeup! So if you love makeup and want to see me work, look me up (Jessica Grundy)!!!

I’ve gotta run, but stay tuned. I’ve got a lot to talk about and to share with you guys!!!!!

Butterfly kisses.

Jessica