Have you ever looked at yourself and not liked what you saw? I’m not just talking about an outfit. I’m talking about literally hating the body you have? If you have, this post is for you. If you haven’t, go ahead and take a read to help you better understand those who struggle with this daily. By the way, this is gonna be a long one, so buckle up, buttercup!😉
I’ve decided to make some changes when it comes to how I think about my body image. For those of you who don’t know me, I’m fat. Big, plus sized, huge, wide, large, obese — whatever term you use, I’m that.
This post is going to be about being fat because well, I am. **side note: this isn’t to diminish the feelings of skinny/thin people. I am just not skinny/thin so I can’t speak on it personally. However, if this goes over well, I would love to do a post for my skinny/thin people and their feelings!**
I am going to be very vulnerable, open, and honest. This post is about me and how I feel about me. This post is not to shame me or to belittle me. But it’s to show you how negative body image can effect us all! Even us strong ones.
So let’s just dive right on in. My entire life I’ve been bigger, but I honestly always thought I was just ‘big boned’. Kind of funny how people made that a thing, right? I was always very active in sports (softball, volleyball, and soccer). I could run without dying and I didn’t suffer from noticable pain. But as I was growing up, I started getting bullied for my size. The usual name calling, laughing and pointing, plus the occasional can of Slimfast thrown at me. Kids are great, huh? I was so involved with sports that it really didn’t get to me too much. I was able to do what I needed to do on the court (or field) and I was damn good at it. However, being an athlete wasn’t what I wanted to do with my life. It was writing, photography, and having my own salon. In high school I stopped playing all sports and that is when I really started to notice my weight troubles; how my weight was affecting my health.
Honestly, I didn’t always like my body while I played sports, but I definitely started hating it a lot more in high school. Isn’t that when it’s most important to have a bangin’ body?🤷🏽♀️ My friends and other classmates around me were skinny and I wasn’t. People actually thought I just sat around and ate junk food all the time. 😂The thing was, hearing all these negative things about my weight, made me hardly eat at all because of what people would say. I would eat one or two meals a day, and they weren’t the most healthy meals I should have been eating.
As I got older, my pain started getting worse and so did my health. I would try cutting down on my calories (or some other failed diet) and working out. No matter how strict I was with calorie couting and working out, I couldn’t lose weight. I’d give up and go back to eating whatever and not working out. Then I’d get another wild hair up my butt and start the process all over again. The most I could ever lose was five pounds. Yup, just five pounds. Doing all this hard work over and over and only losing five pounds was enough to discourage me for a few years.
Fast foward to a couple of years ago when I was diagnosed with PCOS and told it would be harder for me to ever have a baby because of how much weight I needed to lose. 150 pounds to be exact. That is a whole person! I was so discouraged for a quiet some time. Then I got a new doctor who put me on a low carb diet and with that plus my medication, I was able to lose 26 pounds. I couldn’t believe my eyes! I was finally losing weight. I was on top of the world, but it still wasn’t enough weight off to be able to have a baby. My heart was hurting so bad. I wanted a baby so bad, but I couldn’t get my mind wrapped around the fact that my body was preventing me from doing so.
I was getting tired of everyone saying so much bad shit about me because I was fat. I was tired of worrying about what people would think when they saw me with fast food. Or eating at a restaurant. I just wanted to enjoy life and not feel uncomfortable everywhere I went because people would stare and sometimes even laugh.
I kind of just stopped thinking much about it and embraced my big, fat self. I was learning that my weight didn’t matter. I was learning that my health issues weren’t just from my weight, but from other things that were off in my body. I was learning to listen to my body when she told me what she was needing. From food, excerise, rest, and all the way to love. I was doing just fine mentally with my weight trouble and I was happy.
Or so I thought.
My taller than me, slim, and very handsome boyfriend and I were in my best friend’s wedding. That day was abslouely magical. Everything was perfect and she looked stunning; I have never seen a more beautiful bride! Yup, I am biased because she’s my best friend. Sue me. It was the first time I had been in a facny dress in… well since my wedding when I was eighteen. 🤷🏽♀️😂I was so self conscious, but I put aside my negative thoughts so I could be at my best for my best friend.
And I was.
I had a lot of people tell me how beautiful my dress was and how I rocked it. I didn’t feel like me, but I felt confident enough to be in the dress around people who I didn’t know (unless I saw a camera, then I kind of held my breath). After all, they are strangers, right? And honestly for a couple of weeks I didn’t think much about how I looked. Then I saw the pictures…
Oh. My. Sweet. Heavens. 😲 I walk around everyday looking like that? I was super embarrassed. I couldn’t believe that was me. Seeing the pictures I almost didn’t recognize the woman standing there. It was like someone else was pretending to be me. I really look like that? I instantly felt disgusted with myself. Tears started to form in my eyes, I began to shake. I hated… yup, you read that right. I used a word I don’t like using. I hated my body and how I looked. I hated that for the rest of my best friend’s life, her and her husband and ALL of their family will look at those pictures and I would be in them looking like that. I hated how embarrassed she and my boyfriend must be of me.😭
Any time I was alone, I would cry because I was so embarrassed of my body. I felt like everyone was judging me when they looked at me and I felt very uncomfortable going anywhere; just work and home. I didn’t know how my boyfriend was even attracted to someone like me. I started to feel embarrassed for him having to go out in public with me.
Then I started to feel like I didn’t deserve a baby (or my man) becuase clearly my body was not capible of carrying a child safely; not being this big. I started to beat myself up for days.
I feel like from the chest up, I’m bangin’. I would take pictures of my body in the mirror at work and I felt like I looked fine; almost like I was slimming down. But seeing those pictures made me feel like what I saw and what the camera captured were two different women. How can I be what my eyes see in the mirror and what I see when I look at pictures other people take?
I talked to those around me who encouraged me and told me I didn’t look bad or that I was being too hard on myself. But they are my best and closest friends, they wouldn’t tell me the truth when it comes to my weight because they don’t wanna hurt me. 🤷🏽♀️ I love them dearly for that, but now I clearly see that I am infact “morbidly obese” like the doctors said and wonder why my friends don’t see me like that, too. Or do they?🤔😶
I am in several PCOS and mom groups on Facebook. I was nervous but I posted in there asking for advice on loving yourself; all of yourself. I was afraid some of these women would be mean with their comments and I’d get even more depressed. The exact opposite happened. The way these women responded was mind blowing. They gave me tips, complements, enougragment, and advice. And the best part about it? They were all bigger and struggling with body positivity themselves! It was so nice to talk with ‘fat’ women who knew exactly how I felt and what I was going through. Now, this doesn’t mean my friends didn’t help because they do all the time. But something about total complete fat strangers talking together and empowering each other fules my soul.
Needless to say, I am working on me. I am working on seeing the beauty that is within. I am a damn good person and I’ll do anything for those I love. I am working on learning to see that same type of beauty when I am talking about my body. I am learning to love me, fully. I’m working on changing my mindset around my weight. Being fat isn’t a bad thing. I’m not saying everyone go be fat. I’m saying that I’m not less of a woman or deserve less because I’m fat. I bust my ass on the daily so I’m not fat because I just sit around and eat junk food all the time. I’m fat because the hormones in my body and the foods I put into my body don’t mix well. I’m fat because I don’t have enough working the right way inside to burn off the fat my body stores because I don’t eat all the time and it goes into starvation mode. I’m fat because I have let what other people say about my eating habits and workouts discourage me.
I am fat because I have been looking at my body from the eyes of someone else.
I am working on saying more body positive things to myself everyday. Even when I feel like shit I’m like “but you the best looking pile of shit I’ve ever seen.” meh, its a start, okay?🤷🏽♀️😂 I have also been listening to a fat podcast called The Fat Lip and it has really helped me out tremendously. I am going to be keeping you guys posted on my journey as I learn to completely love myself inside out. I hope you join me because we are never alone and two is always better than one!
P.S. I’m done crying over being called all the terms used to describe “fat”. It is what I am and I accept that. I am not just working on my mindset. I’m also working on my eating habits and walking until my body can handle more strenuous workouts. 👌🏽💪🏽
Stay easy, be blessed.