What to Write next?!

Try Me Not is finished on my end. I am just trying to find an editor that actually wants to edit. In the meantime, I have spent the rest of my time working on my second book, The Secret Teller. I am towards the end of the book!!! So that means I need your help picking my third book!!! Here are some ideas, just comment which one you like best and the one with the most votes will be the one I write next!!!

1. Broken Boundaries
This book is about a Native family who moves from the Rez to an all white town. This is Shayla’s senior year and she is pissed she has to leave all her friends. Her parents don’t get it either. How can they do this to her during her SENIOR year? She ends up finding a job that summer before school starts and ends up dating this cute white boy she works with. She ends up getting pregnant and keeps it a secret for as long as she can, but of course, it comes out. Her parents disown her and kick her out, she gets bullied at school for being the first one pregnant, and her boyfriend dumps her. What is she going to do, homeless with a baby on the way?

2. No title(Will take suggestions for the title)= This book is about two cousins who grew up together as best friends; Riley and Tyson. Riley’s mom left her and her dad when she was real little. It was always just her, her dad, and Tyson. Riley’s life was good; she had a great job, a best friend, and a nice guy she was talking to. Then her dad got sick and her life flipped upside down. Her dad made Tyson promise to look after her, and he did great. But what will he do when his cousin gets kidnapped? How will he find her when the police stop looking? Will he be able to keep his promise to his Uncle and save his cousin before it’s too late?

3. No title (will take suggestions for the title)= This book is about Haper, a beautiful, sweet and caring girl. She is always doing for others even for those who don’t do for her. She gets bullied a lot and always clings to her cousin who used to be so nice to her, but now has become rather mean. She is upset and alone when she is approached by an Owl who was talking to her. Wait, that couldn’t be right, animals don’t talk! The Owl told her she was special and had powers and that some very bad people were coming to find her.  She couldn’t believe what she was hearing. What powers? How was she special? What was she going to do? Would she accept her truth and find out who she really was or would she ignore it and continue living her lonely boring life?

4. No title (will take suggestions for the title)= This book is about a brother who’s sister vanishes. The police think she’s just a runaway teen, but her brother will stop at nothing to find her. After months of looking under every rock, he gets a letter with a clue as to what happened to his sister. In the letter, it talks about human trafficking and how if he doesn’t find her fast, she will be sold to someone in another country. He tries to go to the police, but they think he’s lost it. So it’s up to him to save his sister before she’s lost forever. How in the hell will he find her when he’s already looked everywhere? He didn’t think human trafficking was a real thing. What was he really up against? 

 

Why isn’t it enough?

If you’ve been following my blog at all, you’ve been made aware of my health issues. If you haven’t, a quick back story. I have PCOS and a thyroid issue. I am also on the weight loss journey. And that my friends, is why I am making this entry.

Now, I’m comfortable enough with yall to be completely transparent on some things. I will not lie or sugar coat ANYTHING. I will be open and honest about my feelings no matter bad it might make me look or what people will think.

Continuing on… I have been on medication to help my PCOS and my thyroid and it seems to be doing what it’s supposed to. I have lost 9 pounds so far. And that is with absolutely no working out or eating healthy. At first, it was the pain I was in that would prevent me from working out. Excuse? Probably.  Now, it’s the lack of motivation. So I looked at myself in the mirror and told myself to get my shit together and work out. I started to drink more water and watch my portion control. I felt good.

I went back to the doctor and this time I asked him about how much weight does he think I need to lose to get pregnant. Now when the number rolled off his lips, into the air, and SLAPPED ME IN THE FACE, I couldn’t do anything but nod my head and say “okay”. He told me he feels I need to lose 160 pounds in order to get pregnant. 160 pounds is A LOT; that’s a whole other person!!! I felt… humiliated. Basically, I’m two people.

Before my visit, I was excited because I finally mustered up the courage to ask him about weight loss. After my visit, I was hopeless, devastated, broken. I felt humiliated because how could I be so big. How could I let myself go? How come I hadn’t noticed it myself? I felt like everyone around me who would tell me I wasn’t fat, was lying to me so they wouldn’t hurt my feelings. (I mean, I couldn’t blame them for that because 1. telling someone you love that they are fat is MEAN AS HELL. and 2. I’d probably want to fight them).

I kept telling myself “there was no way I could lose that much weight. If I did, it would be too late and my eggs would be fried.” I was depressed again. I want a baby SO bad, yall; SO BAD. So why isn’t that enough to kick my ass in gear!?

The answer to that question is because of my mindset. People kept telling me to break the number down into smaller goals and work from there. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t get past the big 160 staring me in the face and haunting my dreams. I couldn’t will myself into working out no matter what I tried. I was getting upset becauseI wasn’t able to motivate myself. I was starting to hate myself.

I broke down and cried my eyes out to my boyfriend. He told me I was thinking about it the wrong way and that it was POSSIBLE for me to lose weight. We had a great talk that night and the next day I woke up motivated!!! I jumped rope for ten minutes and I was on top of the world. I felt amazing all day long. I was sore as hell, but guys, I DID IT!! I actually did it. I jumped rope for three days in a row for ten minutes and one day for 15! I couldn’t believe it. Then my period happened and the back pain was back bad. So I’ve taken some time to wait until she leaves and I’m gonna get right back at it!

I struggle, I fail over and over. BUT I WILL NEVER GIVE UP…and neither should you. Comment your struggles, your success, your tips, ANYTHING. Let’s do this together because I need all the help and support I can get!!!

This entry was posted on June 22, 2017. 4 Comments

In the Works

Have you ever felt like no matter how many times you said something, or how loud you yelled, you weren’t heard?? You will be happy to know, you aren’t alone. I actually feel like this quite often. It doesn’t have to be anything serious even. It could be something simple, I still feel like nobody is listening.

Am I dreaming? Am I just thinking this and not actually saying it? Am I being loud enough? Am I invisible?

The truth is: I’m not dreaming. I am actually saying it. I’m am being loud. And finally, I am NOT  invisible. People are just simpled minded and only want to see/hear their truth because it is easier to deal with than the REAL truth.

Well guess what, buttercup? I’m about to make a LOT of people very, very uncomfortable. The gloves are coming off. I’m working on a blog post that is gonna knock yall’s socks off. It might take awhile for me to get it ready, but when I do….boy, yall not gonna know what happened! =)

Stay tuned for some greatness 😉

I’m fat… SO WHAT?

If you’ve read any of my previous entries, you know I don’t like to sugar coat things and I’m not gonna do any of that in this entry either. Being a short, fat, mildly attractive woman, I have a lot to say about this word ‘Fat’. I have struggled with accepting it, with being it, and with it changing some things in my life. “Just work out and eat right, you’ll lose weight and won’t be fat anymore”… despite their peremptory tone,  I wish it was just THAT simple.

Imagine always being bigger than most girls (and some boys) in your class growing up. Imagine girls making fun of you because you couldn’t buy clothes from Limited Too or Justice. Imagine boys picking on you because you are fat. Imagine kids bringing cans of Slim Fast to school and throwing them at you (yes, this really happened to me).  I get kids can be mean, but imagine how I felt when all of this happened. And I was a kid! I was in sports and in school so it wasn’t like I was sitting at home on the couch with a bag of chips and some chocolate (however, that sounds much better than being at school with those lil jerks).

Bigger sized clothes were expensive, which caused me to wear the same clothes all the time. I was fine with it of course, but others weren’t. I was a year older than my classmates (got put back a grade) so I tried telling myself that’s what it was; I was just growing faster. That, however, was not the case. I stopped growing vertically in probably the sixth grade. I would always say if I was several inches taller, I wouldn’t be as fat.

I was ALWAYS self-conscious of how I looked. I saw the stares, I heard the snickers. I really struggled with hating how I looked. I knew I had a pretty face and maybe a nice rack, but that was IT; the rest of me was DISGUSTING. I stopped eating as much (which I didn’t realize hurt me more than helped me), I would maybe eat once a day, sometimes twice. Even if I was hungry, I’d tell myself that I just ate and ignore it.

Those issues I carried with me my whole life. Even now, at 26 years old, I still sometimes have issues with how I look. Now I know you are like “she is complaining about being fat, but she hasn’t once said she’s working out”. And you are right, I didn’t mention it. I did mention though, that I was in sports. My body was always big, but I was muscular. Even now, under all this fat, I know my muscular body is still there…I just gotta sculpt it back out.

Now that last statement will prove to you that I’m not asinine when it comes to my weight. I know working out and eating healthy WILL help me lose weight, so why am I still fat? Because of some other things going on with my body. I would workout and meal prep. I’d be in the gym every night after work. I’d count calories; the works. But nothing happened, nothing significant at least. I’d lose maybe five pounds IF that, but all of my motivation was gone; I’d give up. Then six months to a year would go by and I would start the process all over again; same results.

Over the years I learned to accept my size. I knew I would need to work on my weight before it got out of control, but it wasn’t there yet. I had a friend always call me fat. It used to piss me off. One day she was like “Jessica, fat isn’t a bad word. Being fat isn’t a bad thing. If you want to wear a bikini, do it. If you want to wear a crop top, do it. If you want to eat fries, eat them!” She didn’t know how that would change my way of the word fat. Now I have never worn a bikini or a crop top, but I have worn things that made me feel and look sexy.

I am here to tell you this if NOTHING else. Be you; be 100% YOU. Wear what YOU are comfortable wearing, eat what you want to eat. Do your makeup and hair how you want it done. Workout if you want. Do what you feel is best for YOUR body, but LOVE YOUR BODY; try every day to love your body!

The day finally came that I knew I needed to do something about my weight, I just didn’t know how. I was hurting SO bad all the time. I couldn’t fight through the pain long enough to get through even a 15-minute workout. Excuse it definitely was, but it was a valid one. Everyone just kept telling me to “fight through the pain”, “it’ll be worth it in the end”, “just do it”. But they didn’t have my body, they didn’t feel what I felt.

Have you ever had a Charlie Horse in your leg? First off, those things hurt like hell. Secondly, whoever Charlie is, he must be an ass hole that causes pain since he was named after something like that. Anyway, take the knowledge of that pain. You got it? Remember how that felt…hold onto it. Now take that pain and imagine feeling it in your side every time you tried to wipe your ass, put on your bra, get in and out of the car, bend down, pick up something heavy, move too quickly in a certain direction…the list goes on and on. Need I continue? Didn’t think so.

So for those of you that are judging me because I don’t “push through the pain” and just workout: SCREW YOU!!!!!! There were days I could hardly get through what I needed to do that day and a workout was the FURTHEST thing on my mind. Since my boyfriend and a couple bffs forced me to go to the doctor and start taking better care of myself, I’ve been put on some meds for my PCOS and my thryoid issue that’s, to MY surprise, helping me lose weight. So far I’m down 9 pounds and yesterday, I did a 10-minute workout! Small it might be, but at least I did it! This journey is going to be a long, far from easy one, but when I have gone through what God has in store for me, I can look back and KNOW the pain was worth it all!!!!!

I’m not perfect. I’m not skinny. I’m not a fitness freak. But I am strong, beautiful, and determined. Stick around and I might just blow yall’s mind at who I become in the near future!!!! IMG_8537

This entry was posted on May 18, 2017. 2 Comments

After I got Answers…

I know yall have been waiting for me to update you with the test results like I said I would. Of course, I’m writing to keep my word. If you have just stumbled across my blog,  exit this post and read the entry before unless you are one of those people that reads the ending of books first. If you are, go ahead with your reading and I’ll keep quite while secretly judging you (I hate having endings spoiled 😀 )

If you remember from my last entry, I was struggling with a period that would never leave, pain that made everyday tasks nearly impossible, and going to the doctor for testing! On the fourth of April, I went to the doctor for a sonogram and a pelvic sonogram. I was nervous…no actually, that is an understatement. I was absolutely terrified. Thankfully, my boyfriend was there with me to calm my nerves. I seriously don’t know what I would have done had he not been there.  My stomach was all kinds of twisted and knotted up; I felt sick. But I had to go through with it, I had to get my answers.

We sat in the waiting room for maybe seven minutes (if that) before they called me back.  Once in the room, she set me up for a sonogram. My boyfriend asked me if I’d ever had one; I hadn’t. I instantly thought “what if this is my first and last sonogram?” I quickly looked at the wall because tears started to fill my eyes, but I couldn’t let them drop. After the sonogram, she did the pelvic sonogram making a joke to lighten the mood; it helped. Once she was finished, we left. The whole appointment took maybe 15 minutes if that! I was so happy to be done and going home.

I waited for six days before I got the call. Six days I kept my phone by me, heart stopping every time it rang. The nurse told me they were putting me on a new medication. She didn’t say what for, but when I asked she simply said: “It’s for your PCOS.” Then wrapped up the conversation and hung up. What is PCOS? It’s Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. Basically, my hormones are out of whack which can cause problems with my period and make it hard to get pregnant.

Soon as I hung up the phone with the nurse, the tears RUSHED out of my eyes like a dam that just broke. I messaged my boyfriend who was at work and told him. Then I messaged two of my best friends. I put my phone down next to me and I cried like a baby. Like that nasty, ugly cry you don’t want anyone to see. Reptar didn’t like it, he kept coming to cuddle with me and lick the tears off my face.

Some of you might ask: “Why is she crying so much? It’s just PCOS, it’s not like she’s dying.” And you are right, I’m not dying nor was my diagnosis life threatening.  But what yall don’t get is this: I was already scared I couldn’t have kids. Now having a real diagnosis that says that having kids could be hard, just hit my heart with so much force. I was a mess. I hardly left my bed that day. I didn’t answer my phone. SO many people called and texted; I responded when I could. I just cried and cried. What I didn’t mention in my previous entry was that I was also having issues with my thyroid. So with having a thyroid issue AND PCOS, I felt my chances of ever carrying a child of my own was over. If you read anything on PCOS, you have to lose weight in order to up your chances of being able to carry. I’ve struggled with being able to lose weight as long as I could remember. I was giving up on myself, on my life long dream.

My boyfriend. I can’t even form the words to tell yall how great he was for me this entire day. It will be something I hold onto FOREVER. He was at work all day and he called me several times to check on me. He messaged me all throughout the day and when I wasn’t talking to him, he messaged one of my best friends to see if I was talking to her. He didn’t want me shutting myself off from them; neither of them did. He came home and called a nurse hotline and had me talk to a nurse about it. I didn’t want too. I didn’t really want to talk to anyone. I was almost mad at him for making me talk to her. But, I’m really glad he did. It helped so much. While I talked with her, he sat right next to me and listened, holding my hand or rubbing my leg. When I got off the phone with her, I felt a hundred times better.

One thing I took away from the phone call was that not everyone’s PCOS is the same. Some women have trouble with getting pregnant, some women don’t. I had hope. My best friends and boyfriend kept telling me to have faith and not to get down and out. I didn’t listen. I mean I heard them, but I didn’t actually LISTEN. I had already started shutting down. After that phone call, it was like my ears opened up and I could hear clearly. I had three very important people who loved and cared about me willing to help me through this, no matter what. I never realized I would need them as much as I did.

Many people I wanted to support me and give me words of encouragement, didn’t. Several people were like “Oh it’s just PCOS, you’ll be alright.” or “It could be worse.” It hurt and made me pretty angry. Like how dare you tell me how to feel about what’s happening to ME. I understand it could be worse and I’m so thankful it wasn’t, but it was still something serious to me.  And the fact that so many people are posting about being pregnant or having babies all the time was like a slap in the face. like “haha your body sucks but mine can carry a baby.” I became very emotional and bitter.

With consistent reassurance from my boyfriend and two best friends, from the few people who I didn’t talk to all the time, and even several strangers, I was able to slowly pull myself together and do more around the house and running around. I wasn’t bleeding anymore (thank God) but I was still hurting and it still took a lot out of me to do things.

Fast-forward to April 26th. I had another doctors appointment. I went to this one alone. Aside from my blood pressure being slightly elevated, I walked away so damn happy and hopeful. I sat in my car and cried tears of joy as I thanked God for the news I had just received. Since my last visit, I had lost seven pounds…HOLD ON…Did I say SEVEN POUNDS?! Why yes, yes I sure did!! The best part? I haven’t even been working out, but I was working on watching what I eat and cutting back on pop. I was so happy I lost weight because that means maybe I can carry a child after all!

I still have a long journey ahead of me, but I am not alone or hopeless. I have a great support system and a God who loves me enough not to leave me. For those of you who reached out to check on me, who prayed for me, thank you. It really means so much to me. Thank you for also reading my story. My story isn’t over yet yall, it’s just starting to get good! Stick around and you just might get inspired 😉

This entry was posted on April 29, 2017. 6 Comments

Before I got Answers..

Let me share with yall what I’ve been going through with my health. Don’t expect one of those “wake up every day positive and push through it because if I can, you can” posts. You won’t get it. That may be how some people handle health issues, but not me. I’m gonna be honest with yall about how I struggled. I’m not gonna sugar coat anything; I’m honest and real. So if you only want the ‘sunshine and butterflies’ post, exit my blog now and come back in a couple months. This is your warning.

For those of you that had the courage to continue reading, whether it be because you’re being nosy, or you honestly care about my health, glad you’ve got the balls to stick around!!

This all started maybe the end of 2015 and beginning of 2016. I noticed my period was starting to be different than normal [sorry fellas if you need to exit or scroll down, your masculinity will not be judged. After all, your the only one who would know 😉 ]. I was bleeding literally months at a time, but I did nothing about it just kept on about my life. Fast forward to May of 2016 when I finally mustered up the courage to go to the doctor. My hopes were quickly crushed; she didn’t tell me ANYTHING that would help. No explanation on why this was happening or what needed to be done to make it stop. She just put me on a new form of birth control and told me my body “just had a splurge.” Uh, excuse me, what?!

I was slightly hopeless. I moved to Missouri and now it’s 2017. The bleeding issue continued. Some months, I’d bleed two/three months in a row, some months not at all. I just kinda dealt with it. In March, it got bad. I was hurting and the pain was becoming worse. The bleeding was so heavy it was like shark week between my legs. I had ZERO energy to do anything. Even walking hurt. I was in the process of quitting one job and starting another when I got sick with a cold that would NOT go away. So I didn’t start the new job but decided I needed to take care of myself first. I went to the doctor and while I was there, I asked her about my bleeding issue. She put me on another bc and told me to see a different doctor if the bleeding didn’t stop within a couple of weeks. It. Didn’t. Stop.

By now, I’m completely hopeless. The pain is unbearable. By the end of March, it was hard to do anything. I struggled with everyday tasks like walking up and down the stairs, getting in and out of the shower or car, and getting dressed. For those of you that know me, know this is a serious issue because not only am I always on the go, but because I have an almost five-year-old stepson; he doesn’t understand why I can’t go, go, go! After I’d drop everyone off at work and school, I’d take Reptar out, then I’d literally lay in bed until I had to pick everyone up. I couldn’t go to sleep, so I would just lay there watching Netflix or sometimes on my phone. I didn’t really talk to that many people either.

I was depressed. I wanted answers and I wanted them now. I was scared because I didn’t know what was going on with my body or why I was in so much pain. I was terrified something was wrong with me and it would prevent me from ever being able to carry a child of my own. I felt helpless. I cried a lot….A LOT. Like literally all the time. I only wore sweats and t-shirts; I felt so unattractive, so ugly. I felt worthless. I felt like nobody understood what I was dealing with or they didn’t care because everyone just kept telling me I’d get through it because I was so strong. But to be honest, strength was the last thing I felt.

I finally was able to schedule an appointment with a doctor but it was a week away. I just counted down the days until then. And I waited, getting more and more nervous as the day came closer. I wanted to call and cancel it, but I knew I couldn’t. I knew I had to go to the doctor; I needed too. I knew I needed answers. Stay tuned to see what I found out and how I dealt with the news!

 

This entry was posted on April 20, 2017. 6 Comments

Friend or…?

Its been a minute since I’ve wrote, so why not jump back in it with something that really pisses  me off!!! LOL Are you my friend? Are you my acquaintance? My enemy? My family? Or are you something all together different? 

We’ve all got those friends who no matter what y’all gonna always be friends. Like y’all go through some pretty tough shit, but always work it out. I’m not talking about those friends. .This post is about those friends who really don’t give a shit about you anymore. Maybe at one point in their lives, they did, but then life kept going on and they have more important things to do then care about you. You know they aren’t too busy for FB, Snapchat, or other friends, so you start putting it together: it’s not that they are too busy, it’s just they are too busy for YOU. 

That’s fine and dandy because not everyone is gonna always make time for you (hint, that’s how you can always tell your true friends from the fake ones). But what realllllllly grinds my gears are the fake ones pretending to care. Posting on your social media or in a message “omg girl I love you and miss you so much. We need to hangout soon”…Knowing good and darn well they have zero intentions on actually hanging out (and they probably don’t love or miss you considering you haven’t spoken to them in years). 

You know those people that don’t care about you until something is going on? Like you never hear from them about anything in your daily life. But that moment something big comes up (that you’ve been talking about for awhile, they just never pay any attention to you), they try acting all concerned and crap. Be the first one like “omg are you okay. What’s going on”. When they just want the gossip or drama, not actually caring what’s going on in your life. 

Im just tired of it and I’m gonna stop pretending like I don’t see it. So don’t get mad when I stop referring to you as my friend and treating you as such..You don’t deserve the title. Honestly, you are just waisting my time and my time is precious. 😘

P.S. If you get mad at me for it, it’s not because you are actually mad at me. It’s more of a pride thing because you got caught and someone called you out on it.

P.S.S. this entire post could be about fake family members too. #IJS

This entry was posted on March 29, 2017. 2 Comments