I know yall have been waiting for me to update you with the test results like I said I would. Of course, I’m writing to keep my word. If you have just stumbled across my blog, exit this post and read the entry before unless you are one of those people that reads the ending of books first. If you are, go ahead with your reading and I’ll keep quite while secretly judging you (I hate having endings spoiled 😀 )
If you remember from my last entry, I was struggling with a period that would never leave, pain that made everyday tasks nearly impossible, and going to the doctor for testing! On the fourth of April, I went to the doctor for a sonogram and a pelvic sonogram. I was nervous…no actually, that is an understatement. I was absolutely terrified. Thankfully, my boyfriend was there with me to calm my nerves. I seriously don’t know what I would have done had he not been there. My stomach was all kinds of twisted and knotted up; I felt sick. But I had to go through with it, I had to get my answers.
We sat in the waiting room for maybe seven minutes (if that) before they called me back. Once in the room, she set me up for a sonogram. My boyfriend asked me if I’d ever had one; I hadn’t. I instantly thought “what if this is my first and last sonogram?” I quickly looked at the wall because tears started to fill my eyes, but I couldn’t let them drop. After the sonogram, she did the pelvic sonogram making a joke to lighten the mood; it helped. Once she was finished, we left. The whole appointment took maybe 15 minutes if that! I was so happy to be done and going home.
I waited for six days before I got the call. Six days I kept my phone by me, heart stopping every time it rang. The nurse told me they were putting me on a new medication. She didn’t say what for, but when I asked she simply said: “It’s for your PCOS.” Then wrapped up the conversation and hung up. What is PCOS? It’s Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. Basically, my hormones are out of whack which can cause problems with my period and make it hard to get pregnant.
Soon as I hung up the phone with the nurse, the tears RUSHED out of my eyes like a dam that just broke. I messaged my boyfriend who was at work and told him. Then I messaged two of my best friends. I put my phone down next to me and I cried like a baby. Like that nasty, ugly cry you don’t want anyone to see. Reptar didn’t like it, he kept coming to cuddle with me and lick the tears off my face.
Some of you might ask: “Why is she crying so much? It’s just PCOS, it’s not like she’s dying.” And you are right, I’m not dying nor was my diagnosis life threatening. But what yall don’t get is this: I was already scared I couldn’t have kids. Now having a real diagnosis that says that having kids could be hard, just hit my heart with so much force. I was a mess. I hardly left my bed that day. I didn’t answer my phone. SO many people called and texted; I responded when I could. I just cried and cried. What I didn’t mention in my previous entry was that I was also having issues with my thyroid. So with having a thyroid issue AND PCOS, I felt my chances of ever carrying a child of my own was over. If you read anything on PCOS, you have to lose weight in order to up your chances of being able to carry. I’ve struggled with being able to lose weight as long as I could remember. I was giving up on myself, on my life long dream.
My boyfriend. I can’t even form the words to tell yall how great he was for me this entire day. It will be something I hold onto FOREVER. He was at work all day and he called me several times to check on me. He messaged me all throughout the day and when I wasn’t talking to him, he messaged one of my best friends to see if I was talking to her. He didn’t want me shutting myself off from them; neither of them did. He came home and called a nurse hotline and had me talk to a nurse about it. I didn’t want too. I didn’t really want to talk to anyone. I was almost mad at him for making me talk to her. But, I’m really glad he did. It helped so much. While I talked with her, he sat right next to me and listened, holding my hand or rubbing my leg. When I got off the phone with her, I felt a hundred times better.
One thing I took away from the phone call was that not everyone’s PCOS is the same. Some women have trouble with getting pregnant, some women don’t. I had hope. My best friends and boyfriend kept telling me to have faith and not to get down and out. I didn’t listen. I mean I heard them, but I didn’t actually LISTEN. I had already started shutting down. After that phone call, it was like my ears opened up and I could hear clearly. I had three very important people who loved and cared about me willing to help me through this, no matter what. I never realized I would need them as much as I did.
Many people I wanted to support me and give me words of encouragement, didn’t. Several people were like “Oh it’s just PCOS, you’ll be alright.” or “It could be worse.” It hurt and made me pretty angry. Like how dare you tell me how to feel about what’s happening to ME. I understand it could be worse and I’m so thankful it wasn’t, but it was still something serious to me. And the fact that so many people are posting about being pregnant or having babies all the time was like a slap in the face. like “haha your body sucks but mine can carry a baby.” I became very emotional and bitter.
With consistent reassurance from my boyfriend and two best friends, from the few people who I didn’t talk to all the time, and even several strangers, I was able to slowly pull myself together and do more around the house and running around. I wasn’t bleeding anymore (thank God) but I was still hurting and it still took a lot out of me to do things.
Fast-forward to April 26th. I had another doctors appointment. I went to this one alone. Aside from my blood pressure being slightly elevated, I walked away so damn happy and hopeful. I sat in my car and cried tears of joy as I thanked God for the news I had just received. Since my last visit, I had lost seven pounds…HOLD ON…Did I say SEVEN POUNDS?! Why yes, yes I sure did!! The best part? I haven’t even been working out, but I was working on watching what I eat and cutting back on pop. I was so happy I lost weight because that means maybe I can carry a child after all!
I still have a long journey ahead of me, but I am not alone or hopeless. I have a great support system and a God who loves me enough not to leave me. For those of you who reached out to check on me, who prayed for me, thank you. It really means so much to me. Thank you for also reading my story. My story isn’t over yet yall, it’s just starting to get good! Stick around and you just might get inspired 😉