I have always been proud of the strong, independent woman I have become. I have gotten through some things that I didn’t think I could. I have been through some things that most people couldn’t handle (and at the time, I didn’t think I could either). Some how I did, and it made me a stronger woman.
With being strong, people often forget that sometimes, I need help too. Sometimes I need a shoulder to cry on, a hand to pick me up when I’m down, or an ear so I can vent. Of course, I do have a few people like that I can turn to. But almost everyone else hits me with “you’re strong, you can handle it.”
One thing though that my strength cannot handle is my inability to get pregnant. No matter how hard I try to accept it, it just hurts so bad. Seeing all the pregnancy posts on social media, on TV, and in my everyday life (like at work), it’s hard to refrain from getting sad. My doctor didn’t tell me that I could never get pregnant, but he did tell me that with my PCOS I needed to lose 150 pounds in order to conceive.
WAIT, WHAT? THAT’S A WHOLE PERSON!!! You mean to tell me that I have to lose a whole person in order to be able to carry a little person!? You see how this can be depressing? And of course, here come the “just diet and exercise” comments. Which you all are partly right, but my thyroid is out of whack and preventing me from losing weight as quickly as I want. Once I start losing more weight, my doctor and I will discuss my options.
How are you depressed about not having a kid when you have an adorable, loving stepson? That is a very good question and I have an answer. Jalen has a dad and a mom who I never, ever want to replace!!! I will always just be his stepmom who stepped up; I will always just be his Jessica. And that is perfectly fine with me, I love being his Jessica. I am so blessed beyond blessed to be his Jessica.
Until I am able to have a baby of MY OWN, I will always have a hurt in my heart; have a sort of emptiness there. No matter how hard I love Jalen or any of my friend’s kids, it won’t heal the hurt in my heart for wanting my OWN kid. I’m never gonna stop loving and giving my love to those that need it. I just want to be able to have a baby that is a piece of me to love. Even if I can’t ever get pregnant, I want to adopt.
You might not agree with me, you might not understand and that is okay. This is my life and my pain that I deal with EVERY SINGLE DAY. Some days it’s easier than others, some days the tears don’t stop. I know that God is in control and that I have to be patient and wait in His time because He is an on time God. It’s hard not to want to question and wonder why me? I’m a good mom and full of love, why can’t I have a baby? I just keep praying to God to allow me to have ONE baby of my own (I want four).
I’m not writing this for sympathy. I’m writing this for the people who need to know they aren’t alone in this unbearable journey of trying to conceive. I’m writing this for myself because sharing my story is making it easier for me to handle. I am not perfect and I don’t always react the way I should, but just know it is because my heart is hurting and has nothing to do with you. For those of you that are new mommies, I am happy for you. For those of you that are trying, keep at it. And for those of you that cry every time the test comes back negative, I am right there with you, squeezing your hand because you are not alone!!!! Together, we will get through this. ❤