Can you see the pain?

Hey guys. Sorry, I’ve been MIA. I’ve had so many things I’ve wanted to write about, but I’ve been so mentally and physically exhausted that I’ve passed out before I had the chance. But I’m here now! 🙂

So once again, I want to vent about chronic pain. People just cannot seem to understand that just because I’m “young” doesn’t mean I’m not in a lot of pain. That just because I’m smiling or I wear makeup, that I must be making it all up. Or when I do mention hurting, it’s just an excuse to get out of doing something 🤦🤦🤦 Yes, I might flake a lot, but it’s not an excuse– I really am hurting and learning my limits! 🤷‍♀️

Listen, there are more days during the week that I hurt over not hurting. And everyday, I take my hurting ass to work. I fight through the pain and work so I can help provide for my family. Yes, some days the pain is so minimal that it doesn’t bother me. There are also days I hurt so bad that I can’t stand up straight or do everyday tasks.

Some days, I wake up and I can hardly move. Some days, I can jump out of bed and not hurt at all– then halfway through my day, the pain comes. I can’t control it (trust me, I wish I could)!🤷🏽‍♀️

Here’s what I’ve got that causes me pain (yes, I’ve been diagnosed by a doctor for each and every one of these):

1. Hypothyroidism- A condition in which the thyroid gland doesn’t produce enough thyroid hormone. (This one is a big pain in my ass, honestly. It messes with my weight and makes losing weight extremely hard) 2. Scoliosis– a sideways curvature of the spine. (It makes my back hurt or feel sore). 3. PCOS– hormonal disorder causing enlarged ovaries with small cyst on the outer layer (yup and it makes everything hurt sometimes and causes my chronic migraines) 4. Carpal tunnel– numbness and tingling in the hand and wrist caused by pinched nerve in the wrist (this realllllllly messes with my writing. I even had surgery on one hand, no relief; I have it in both) 5. Degenerative disc disease–osteoarthritis of the spine usually in the neck or lower back (THIS is what causes the majority of my pain and drives me batty because nothing will help with the pain!)

Most, if not all, of my diagnosed issues that cause chronic pain can not be cured. They can, however, be treated. I just have to find the right doctor and the right medicine to help and in the meantime, I’m trying to learn how to manage the pain. I do my best to not share it often, but man, I hurt so bad.

Be mindful of those that say they deal with chronic pain. You don’t know how much of an everyday struggle they are having. Try to not make them feel less than because they always tell you they are hurting. Sometimes, they just need to share it because they feel alone and someone has made it clear that they don’t believe they are hurting. And others don’t believe because you can’t “see” pain…unless you actually look at the person’s eyes or face. People feel if they can’t actually see something, it must not be there.

Honey, let me tell you, the pain is definitely there. I cry a lot because I hurt and because I’m tired of hurting. I wish I could do normal things (like whipping my own ass or running around with my boy) without hurting so bad I cry.

The tears…those most people don’t see. Most people don’t realize I hide in the bathroom at work and cry. Or that I cry when I’m alone because of always hurting. I’m not writing this for sympathy because I already know who believes me when I say I hurt, and who thinks it’s a cop out. I’m writing so I can bring awareness to chronic pain so people who don’t have it can learn how to handle those that do. Im writing so those out there suffering know they aren’t suffering alone.

Choose to be kind to people always. You never know what someone is going through 👌🏼

Be easy, stay blessed. Jessica 💖😘

Advertisements

A week gone…

Hey guys. It’s been a while. I’ve been hit with a lot lately, and I’m just now slowly being able to process it. This could be a tear jerker, so if you don’t wanna cry, do not pass go. Back out and come back another day. 😉

For those of you that didn’t know, my dog, Reptar, was diagnosed with lymphoma. A week ago, I had to make the hardest decision of my life and put him down.😭 It was for the best because he was in so much pain.

It’s been a little over a week and I still don’t know how to live without him. I just have kind of just “being”. I had him for six years. For six years it was always just me and him. If I didn’t have anyone else, I had him. He helped me through some pretty dark and scary times…

But now, how do I get through the darkest of times without him?

Without words, he was able to comfort me better than anyone I know. When I lived alone, I felt safer cause he was there. And although most people thought he was a big softie (he was), he would always project me… From storms, spiders, to tickling from my boyfriend and stepson.🙄😂

The last three years, my boyfriend and stepson grew to love him. To see my stepson so broken and sad about losing his “play brother” really hit me with a new type of feels. I didn’t know how to handle it. I knew I would be okay, eventually, but my mind hadn’t even began to process how to help a six year old heal. To be honest, I think we are helping each other heal more than we realize. My boyfriend, although he’s the strongest of us all, misses his Reptar something great, too. That breaks my heart all over again because my past bf didn’t like him at all (Reptar gave too many kisses). To hear him talking about the things he misses about Reptar, really gets me in my feels. Everyone who was important really loved my boy. 😭❤️

I’ve been trying to allow myself some time to heal before I made a blog post about him. I didn’t want to cry like a baby, but I am. It’s times like these when I’m sitting at home alone not knowing what to do that I think about him the most. I’d be giving him his meds, feeding him, taking him potty, or just cuddling with him before work. I just feel..like a huge piece of me is missing.

It’s going to take awhile before I can get another dog, but I definitely plan on it. I told Reptar that one day after he left me that I’d love another dog because there are so many that needed my love. I asked him to show me the dog who needed me like he did.

I promised him that I’d be okay without him. And one day, I will be. I’m just not okay right now; and that is okay! Some days I can think about him and be just fine. Other days I think about him and I just curl up and bawl like a baby. It’s a process and I’m letting myself feel through each step.

I am working on writing a book about him. This book is going to be more different than anything I’ve ever written. It’s going to be about our lives together, but from his point of view. It will definitely be another tear jerker for sure !

I want anyone that is going through something with their fur baby to know this: do what you feel is right!!! Screw what others think!!! I worked closely with Reptar’s vet (who was amazing btw) and we had a plan. BUT people still wanted to talk about me “being selfish and letting him suffer”.. well I did the least selfish thing and let him go!!!! 😭❤️

Reptar, you gave it a good fight and I will forever be thankful God gave me you. He knew when I needed you the most. He also knew when I had to be the strongest I could ever be and send you home to him. Lymphoma might have taken your life, but it will never take you from my heart!! 😭❤️

Lessons

Hello friends, it’s been awhile. How is it going? Good, I hope! And if not, it’ll get better…it has to, right? 😏

Life has been kicking my ass lately. Got up, it kicked me back down. Then it proceeded to kick me while I was still down. I had definitely reached my limit. I felt as if I couldn’t take any more hits; felt as if I couldn’t get up either.

God showed me I was stronger than I thought. He also showed me that despite my own independence, I do have people I can depend on. I just don’t like it. I don’t like being on other people’s time. I definitely don’t like not being in control.

The Lord knows this about me and I feel that’s why he put me in this situation I’m in. It’s not about me not doing for myself or others, it’s about how others should be doing something for me. For once. I’d run myself thin for others before they would even lift a finger for me. BUT God said not anymore. I learned that I should only do as much for others as they do for me. Give and take, not just take and take.

I don’t like feeling as if I’m being a burden to others. God is showing me that just because I need help from others doesn’t make me a burden. He’s teaching me to fully lay my worries down to him — I was so stressed and worried sick about things and it was attacking my body. I had prayed about it over and over, but what I didn’t do was let go and let God handle it. I’m still a work in progress but He’s not done with me yet.

I know it feels as if sometimes it’ll storm forever, but the sun will shine again!! Until then, learn to embrace the rain!!!

Be easy, stay blessed. Jessica ❤️

You can fall, you just gotta get back up!

Hey guys and gals. It’s been a minute. So let’s talk about what’s been going on. Life; life has been going on. When it rains, it pours definitely applies to my life right now!

I was doing so good with my diet and exercise. Then I hurt my back and I wasn’t eating as much and I sure wasn’t exercising. I even had to quit my job so I could allow my back to heal.

I was off work for a week before I found a new job. Once I started my new job, I found out Reptar has lymphoma. I was devastated and ate (when I did eat) most of my feelings. When I wasn’t at work, I was just laying in bed. (he’s doing chemo and is doing phenomenal by the way!!!!!)

Then I had some family issues that really took a lot of my energy. My whole body felt it.

Work is hard because I’m on my feet a lot. So naturally, my back hurts A LOT. I’ve been getting back on my diet, but because of the pain, I haven’t started working out yet. However, I have maintained my weight loss!!!! I stepped on the scale and was expecting to be back up to my start weight (because I’ve been eating like crap and not working out), so I’m pretty darn happy about it!!

This post is to encourage you to get back to your diet and exercise no matter how long you’ve been slacking! No matter how many times you fall, just get back up and keep on going!!!! Thanks for reading ❤️

Why do I share my story?

From the very beginning, I’ve wanted to be open and honest with you all about my weight loss journey. A lot of people don’t understand why. I figured I’d go ahead and explain it to you!

I’ve been dealing with being overweight my whole life; my weight has been a pretty big issue even before I realized how big. I would always be too embarrassed to talk to many people about it because everyone close to me was skinny. I just accepted my weight and wouldn’t do anything about it. As I started getting older, I started doing workout videos and following fitness people online. But one thing that always stood out to me and bothered me was : They were all skinny or really fit!!!! None of them looked like me!!! I felt like I could never move or look like they do. I always wished they had workout videos with “fat” people in them so I wouldn’t feel so out of place!!

I started trying to reach out to some of the fitness people online to get advice on what I should be doing to lose weight. And let’s be honest, I didn’t wanna talk to anyone close to me because I was embarrassed about not being more knowledgeable when it came to fitness and eating healthy. Most of the people I tried to talk to didn’t even respond (figures, huh?). The ones that did, weren’t very helpful. Most of their responses were along the lines of “you just gotta do it anyway” when I told them it was hard for me go workout because of pain. Like, I get it, but when someone is struggling and reaching out, you could find a better way to say it. Then the worst part about reaching out is most of them were with some sort of workout program and would just try to sign me up for supplements or shakes. Nah, I’m good on that! (I’ve got more of those types of messages since I’ve shared my story than anything and it’s slightly annoying. I appreciate what y’all do, but financially I just can’t afford to invest that much into shakes and supplements right now. I need to invest in becoming a more healthy eater first).

I have been keeping a weight loss journey journal and it helps SO much!!! Each day I log all of my food, drinks, and exercise. I also add my weight and if I was under my carb limit. I’ll take a picture of my journal and make a post explaining exactly how I do it!

After many searching, I finally found a lady I could talk to who 1. Was a bigger woman. 2. Didn’t try to sell me anything. 3. Had PCOS. She talked about her journey and even complimented me on mine. It was really nice!!! I decided that although I’m not a professional or anything, I want to be an open book so I can help others!! If something worked, or if it didn’t work for me, I’ll share it! If you ever need someone to talk to about weight loss, low carb dieting, or PCOS please reach out. I will gladly help you in any way I can! You can email me at grundyjessica@outlook.com with questions or if you just need a judgement free place to vent. I do get a ton of emails so try to have “blog follower” or “PCOS” (or anything else catchy) in the subject line so I’ll know it’s not spam!

As always, thanks for reading. 😙

Why I resigned from LimeLight

As most of you know, I was a beauty guide with LimeLight by Alcone for a little over a year. This week I resigned and I want to tell y’all why. I didn’t come to the decision lightly, but resigning was what’s best for me right now.

LimeLight has changed a lot since I joined; some of the changes were good, some where not. I have zero hard feelings from the company and if it’s meant for me to continue my passion for makeup, it’ll come back into my life.

I met many amazing people because of LimeLight and that will always be something I’m grateful for. LimeLight did teach me so much about direct sales, about what it really means to be a team, and most importantly more about myself.

I busted my ass day in and day out posting, building my network, and doing videos. I devoted a lot of time to my business. Yet, I was struggling to make sales. I’d go months without a single sale even if people said they were interested. Which is fine and I totally understand. BUT I started to lose hope and eventually broke from my routine; working my business less and less.

I had just devoting so much of my time to my business that I wasn’t focusing on my writing. Makeup is still a big passion of mine and always will be. I am just taking a break from direct sales and focusing EVERYTHING into getting my book published. People won’t understand why I can’t do both or will feel like I gave up because it wasn’t going how I wanted. Writing is my number one passion, my number one priority right now. I don’t care if anyone doesn’t understand it; it’s nobody’s life but mine. I’m sad to leave, but happy with my decision.

With that being said, I’m gonna work real hard with my editor and get this book published so keep an eye out for updating posts about that !!!

Thanks for reading 😘

It’ll never be ENOUGH..

Hey there. Hope life is being kind to you, and if not, take control and make it be kind.

So I’ve been on this lifestyle change. I’ve been working hard on my diet. It’s challenging and I often want to say “screw this” and just eat my emotions. BUT I don’t because having a baby and being healthy for my family is VERY important to me!

I’ve kind of hit the weight loss plateau..not losing anymore weight. I’ve been making myself get up around 6am to workout. It’s been going good so far! I don’t scold myself if I don’t do a workout. I just try harder next time or later that day. I’ve been working out three days a week– I know my body and that’s doing good considering the amount of pain I’m in. Gold star for me!

I nanny for a little boy and yesterday we went walking. I wanted to do a lil jog to finish out our walk. These guys driving by slowed down and laughed at me. I was ashamed, embarrassed, and I wanted to run faster past them.

Instead, I looked them dead in the face and ran past their car going the speed I’d been. I said to myself “guess they’ve never seen a fat person run before”.

AND that is why it’s so hard for bigger people to WANT to workout and lose weight. We already feel like shit and then the world doesn’t help. People are nasty. Society has everyone thinking people should look a certain way. News flash it doesn’t work like that !!!

Many people don’t know my story. Nobody knows the pain I have EVERY SINGLE DAY just because I’m awake. Nobody knows the battle I go through during a workout. Each person’s journey is different; no two paths will be the same. I’m here to tell you to keep going on your journey NO MATTER WHAT. Set goals. Reward yourself. Set more goals. Repeat over and over until YOU are happy where you’re at.

It won’t be easy. There will be days you want to give up. There will be days you do give up. It’s okay! Each day is a new day to try and try again! Don’t do it for anyone but YOU because if you do, no matter how hard you try, no matter what you do, it’ll never be enough for anyone else. If you need a friend, I’m here. Together, we can first conquer our fears, then our bodies, then the world!!!

Thanks for reading 💖