Have you ever felt like someone hated you, but you couldn’t figure out why? You couldn’t explain it to anyone. Nobody would see it that way and they would probably tell you “they don’t hate you, they love you in their own way”. Even though they could be right and were trying to help, you didn’t agree; this person hated you. If you feel like this, then this post is for you.
Hate is a pretty strong word. I really don’t like using it. I don’t allow myself, our boy, or my kiddos at the daycare to use it. So why am I using it for this post? In all honesty, because it is the only word I can use that describes exactly what I feel.
I have a dictionary and thesaurus app on my phone and I looked up the word ‘hate’. Here are the definitions:
- to dislike intensely or passionately; feel extreme aversion for or extreme hostility toward; detest.
- to be unwilling; dislike.
- to feel intese dislike, or extreme aversion or hostility.
Reading the definitions made me sad because there are countless times I’ve felt that I was disliked or was experiencing extreme hostility from the same person. The word ‘aversion’ kept poping up in the definition so I looked it up as well.
- a strong feeling of dislike, opposition, repugnance, or antipathy.
- a cause or object of dislike; person or thing that causes antipathy.
- obsolete. the act of averting; a turning away or preventing.
One of the synonyms of aversion is ‘disgust’. That hit home for me, too. I have often felt like this person was disgusted with me.
“Why would they hate you? Or be disgusted with you?” one might ask. I can’t answer that because I am not them. I can make you a list of assumptions, but they would be just that. I can make a list that probably wouldn’t end on all the hurtful things that have been said, but why would I want to put you through that? It isn’t pretty. No, I’m not talking about things from strangers or bullys. I’m talking about mean and hateful things from one person, over and over again.
My whole life I’ve spent countless hours wondering what was wrong with me? What did I do? Why was I born? Why couldn’t I just be loved and accepted for who I was? Why did I need to change? Why did I always have to apologize? Why did I always have to be the one to fix it? Why did I always have to be the bigger person? Why do they hate me?
Of those questions above, I can answer: nothing was wrong with me. I didn’t do anything. I didn’t need to change. I should stop apologizing, stop trying to fix it. I would always (no matter how much I didn’t want to) end up being the bigger person. I do have a decent amout of people who love me for me. I believe I was born to help people through my words and actions to match. God made me how I am so I can help others get through their struggles; to carry them.
The question I feel I will never know the answer to is ‘why do they hate me?’ I haven’t ever been told by this person that they hate me, but those words never have to come off of their lips in order for me to feel the hate. If you pay attention, you can feel peoples energy around you. When people are extremely negtaive, I have to distance myself from them because the negativity starts draining my energy. I gravitate toward those who radiate positivity. The energy around this person when I am around them is fulled with so much anger, hate, disgust, and resentment. I feel really uncomfortable and almost like I’m in danger. My body’s tense and my heart is hurting. My mind tells me to get the hell away as fast as I can.
When said person talks to me the disgust on their facial expressions, and the negativity that lashes from their lips, tears me down. I feel that’s what they want, though. To tear me down and build me up to be exactly what they want because right now, I’m not anything they want. I used to allow this to happen, then I woke up. I was tired of being depressed. Tired of feeling like I wasn’t good enough to be loved. Tired of not being loved…
I try my hardest to be a good person. I try to help everyone even when I need the help more. I don’t think I will ever feel what I need to feel from this person and that’s okay. I love this person anyway; I just have to love from a distance. I have been working on training my heart and mind around accepting this relationship for what it is. There is no need getting upset when things don’t go the way I want becuase it hasn’t ever been that way. There is no need expecting change because in order for change to happen, falts have to be admitted. I can admit that I haven’t always done my part, or been the nicest with my words, either. But my defenses are up and armed because of the hate I feel pelting my mind, body, and soul that came from them.
If you treat me like dirt on the bottom of your shoe, why would I want to keep coming back to get stepped on?
As hurt as I’ve been, I do not hate this person. I love them. I’m working on forgiving them completely for all the hurt they’ve caused. I’m also working on not wanting them to be a part of my life — some things just aren’t meant to happen. I’m learning that everything happens for a reason and though I can’t wrap my head around why, I know God has had a plan this whole time. I have to trust him and give him my pain to achieve compete happiness. I am working on that as well.
If you’re going through something like this, just know you aren’t alone. No matter who they are, if they are toxic to you and your well being — get rid of them!! They probably won’t understand and that’s fine, it’s not meant for them to. Work on you. Learn to love you fully and to let go of the hate they have left lingering in your mind. It might not be hate for them or anyone else, but it is hate for youself. Whether you realize it or not, the words they say stay and make themselves a home in your mind and heart. Then you start to believe what was said. I’m here to tell you to let that shit go! It absolutely will be one of the hardest things you’ll have to do, but when you work on retraining your mind with love and positivity, you can live your best life.
I am always here to talk; no judgement. Life is crazy and short— you shouldn’t spend it alone or filled with hate. I’m no expert at all. I’m just talking about my feelings and what has workd for me. Like I always say, if I can help at least one person, my job is done.
Be easy, stay Blessed.