If you’ve read any of my previous entries, you know I don’t like to sugar coat things and I’m not gonna do any of that in this entry either. Being a short, fat, mildly attractive woman, I have a lot to say about this word ‘Fat’. I have struggled with accepting it, with being it, and with it changing some things in my life. “Just work out and eat right, you’ll lose weight and won’t be fat anymore”… despite their peremptory tone, I wish it was just THAT simple.
Imagine always being bigger than most girls (and some boys) in your class growing up. Imagine girls making fun of you because you couldn’t buy clothes from Limited Too or Justice. Imagine boys picking on you because you are fat. Imagine kids bringing cans of Slim Fast to school and throwing them at you (yes, this really happened to me). I get kids can be mean, but imagine how I felt when all of this happened. And I was a kid! I was in sports and in school so it wasn’t like I was sitting at home on the couch with a bag of chips and some chocolate (however, that sounds much better than being at school with those lil jerks).
Bigger sized clothes were expensive, which caused me to wear the same clothes all the time. I was fine with it of course, but others weren’t. I was a year older than my classmates (got put back a grade) so I tried telling myself that’s what it was; I was just growing faster. That, however, was not the case. I stopped growing vertically in probably the sixth grade. I would always say if I was several inches taller, I wouldn’t be as fat.
I was ALWAYS self-conscious of how I looked. I saw the stares, I heard the snickers. I really struggled with hating how I looked. I knew I had a pretty face and maybe a nice rack, but that was IT; the rest of me was DISGUSTING. I stopped eating as much (which I didn’t realize hurt me more than helped me), I would maybe eat once a day, sometimes twice. Even if I was hungry, I’d tell myself that I just ate and ignore it.
Those issues I carried with me my whole life. Even now, at 26 years old, I still sometimes have issues with how I look. Now I know you are like “she is complaining about being fat, but she hasn’t once said she’s working out”. And you are right, I didn’t mention it. I did mention though, that I was in sports. My body was always big, but I was muscular. Even now, under all this fat, I know my muscular body is still there…I just gotta sculpt it back out.
Now that last statement will prove to you that I’m not asinine when it comes to my weight. I know working out and eating healthy WILL help me lose weight, so why am I still fat? Because of some other things going on with my body. I would workout and meal prep. I’d be in the gym every night after work. I’d count calories; the works. But nothing happened, nothing significant at least. I’d lose maybe five pounds IF that, but all of my motivation was gone; I’d give up. Then six months to a year would go by and I would start the process all over again; same results.
Over the years I learned to accept my size. I knew I would need to work on my weight before it got out of control, but it wasn’t there yet. I had a friend always call me fat. It used to piss me off. One day she was like “Jessica, fat isn’t a bad word. Being fat isn’t a bad thing. If you want to wear a bikini, do it. If you want to wear a crop top, do it. If you want to eat fries, eat them!” She didn’t know how that would change my way of the word fat. Now I have never worn a bikini or a crop top, but I have worn things that made me feel and look sexy.
I am here to tell you this if NOTHING else. Be you; be 100% YOU. Wear what YOU are comfortable wearing, eat what you want to eat. Do your makeup and hair how you want it done. Workout if you want. Do what you feel is best for YOUR body, but LOVE YOUR BODY; try every day to love your body!
The day finally came that I knew I needed to do something about my weight, I just didn’t know how. I was hurting SO bad all the time. I couldn’t fight through the pain long enough to get through even a 15-minute workout. Excuse it definitely was, but it was a valid one. Everyone just kept telling me to “fight through the pain”, “it’ll be worth it in the end”, “just do it”. But they didn’t have my body, they didn’t feel what I felt.
Have you ever had a Charlie Horse in your leg? First off, those things hurt like hell. Secondly, whoever Charlie is, he must be an ass hole that causes pain since he was named after something like that. Anyway, take the knowledge of that pain. You got it? Remember how that felt…hold onto it. Now take that pain and imagine feeling it in your side every time you tried to wipe your ass, put on your bra, get in and out of the car, bend down, pick up something heavy, move too quickly in a certain direction…the list goes on and on. Need I continue? Didn’t think so.
So for those of you that are judging me because I don’t “push through the pain” and just workout: SCREW YOU!!!!!! There were days I could hardly get through what I needed to do that day and a workout was the FURTHEST thing on my mind. Since my boyfriend and a couple bffs forced me to go to the doctor and start taking better care of myself, I’ve been put on some meds for my PCOS and my thryoid issue that’s, to MY surprise, helping me lose weight. So far I’m down 9 pounds and yesterday, I did a 10-minute workout! Small it might be, but at least I did it! This journey is going to be a long, far from easy one, but when I have gone through what God has in store for me, I can look back and KNOW the pain was worth it all!!!!!
I’m not perfect. I’m not skinny. I’m not a fitness freak. But I am strong, beautiful, and determined. Stick around and I might just blow yall’s mind at who I become in the near future!!!!